Good News and Bad News

Well, I can't say that the last month has been boring.  It has, in fact, been filled with mostly really good news.


For instance, Justin made World Class for Infinity.  That was his goal and is the highest level in Indoor Percussion.  We are so happy for him.  Stay tuned for more news as the season starts in January.



We're also super excited about the Christmas 2019 tour that the Hagerty Band announced.  Rachel has been doing a stellar job learning the marimba part for the marching show.  As a Freshman, it is a real honor to already have the opportunity of playing this instrument.  She (and I) are adjusting well to this thing called high school.  (Ok, I'll admit it....you already know it was me that needed all the help adjusting, lol).


Steve got a great promotion and is already traveling and being challenged and recognized as a valuable member of his team.  The extra money is never a bad thing either :-).


The only bad thing (aside from the inconvenience of Steve getting his wallet stolen from the latest round of car break-ins in our neighborhood) has been my cancer diagnosis.  Even that has been riddled with great news and extremely evident of God's perfect placement of many previous events.  Long story short, I have been undergoing treatment and monitoring for anemia for almost the last three years.  It has been frustrating, because I am a puzzling case with borderline problems and unknown findings.  First, I had an iron deficiency, then abscesses and a fistula, and now in continuing to search for a cause have found colorectal cancer.  Fortunately, the doctor seems to think that it is a small and slow-growing tumor and very treatable.  It is possible that tomorrow's surgery will be the only inconvenience beside closer continued monitoring.  However, the final staging won't be for a couple of more weeks when lymph node involvement can be determined/ruled out.  Even then, chemotherapy is not supposed to be riddled with side effects and is likely time in a comfortable chair with an iv, something that I am used to and comfortable with because of my previous iron infusions.


Here are just some of the God Things I am noticing:


1.  My sister was a physician recruiter at her old job and recruited my surgeon.  He is top-notch.
2.  I have already had numerous procedures under anesthesia, including 4 in the last 16-17 months which required similar recovery periods.  Truthfully, I am anxious to see how hard this will hit me, and the not knowing is one of the most aggravating things to me right now.  Guess I get to learn some more patience and letting go.
3.  I already have been going to an oncologist (because he is also my hematologist) and am used to being poked and prodded and given infusions.
4.  I wasn't supposed to have a colonoscopy for at least another 2 1/2 years.  It was gentle nudging from two of my doctors and my speaking up to a third that allowed this to be found so early.
5.  I had an identical CT with contrast almost exactly 2 years ago which has allowed my doctors to have comparison data.
6.  My husband works at home and already is very involved with taking care of our family.
7.  My children are older and more capable of taking care of things like cooking and laundry.  Justin is in college now and home at 11 am Monday through Thursday and off on Friday.  This will help a lot when he is able to pick up his sisters or run to the store. 
8.  I have an incredibly loving and supportive network of family and friends which has already made this a lot less stressful and helped me to focus on the positive.
9.  Because of my many doctors' appointments especially with the hematologist/oncologist, I understand how much worse this could be and have also made friends and realize what an opportunity this is to spread the joy of the Lord.
10.  All of this is possible because of my faith in Jesus which was nurtured from a very early age.
11.  In high school, I helped with a student Bible study on the book of Job.  That is where I get much of my inspiration for his situation.
12.  Sadly, many others have gone before me in tragedy.  Many have been much less "lucky", yet their families continue to stay faithful.  They endured the loss but chose to lean in to God rather than isolate Him.  What a wonderful example.

Honestly, I'm scared and not scared.  I know who goes before me, but I also know that I want His will to be done and not my own.  I beg Him to say yes to me, just as Jesus asked the Father to spare him death on a cross.  But.....Your will be done.

I'm planning for my future, but I have learned to enjoy the moment.

Thanks for praying for me.

Jenny

P.S.  I am vulnerable in hopes that it might be an encouragement to someone someday.  Please share.

Not Ready

Hello again!

I've been meaning to write and even thought of lots of things to write about the other day.  The truth is, though, that The Vulnerable Mom is a blog about being brave.  It is about hurt and joy and experiencing life even when it feels like it might tear you apart.  So, I mostly feel compelled to write when I am struggling.

Today is one of those days.  I think I've pegged what is really bothering me.  It's a combination of my usual anxieties, letting go as my kids grow up and difficulty with transition.  I think that, quite frankly, as much as I thought I was, I wasn't ready for my daughter to go to high school.  

There is so much change in those four years, and having a son just finishing them and then going back is much like starting a new school year, teaching the same grade, and realizing that your class is composed of "babies" of that grade rather than "graduates".  It requires a change in expectation and is different because this time, you know where those babies are going to end up.  

Here's the exception, though.  Every kid is different.  My oldest is a boy;  my middle is a girl.  They have unique personalities and talents, even when approaching similar tasks.  They want and need different things at different times.  Kids don't come with an instruction manual.  You write it as you go along.  As with products, different, but comparable models are developed, and features are added and deleted as times change and techniques are proven effective or ineffective.  So goes life.  As soon as you think you've figured it all out, you're thrown a curveball.  Of course, what these really are are challenges and lessons, ways to help us grow.  Sometimes, I get tired of growing!!!

So, as much as I think my daughter is ready for high school, a part of me is grieving.  I know that in these four short years, she will (rightfully so) prepare to be an adult.  She will be busier and have social circles (and boyfriends - Ouch!  I think I just died a little, lol)  that quite frankly will be more important to her than we are.  That is natural.  I am glad for her.  I want that for her.  But it is really, really hard on my mama's heart.  I want more time.  

Thanks for listening.  I hope that my jumbled post actually describes what I was trying to say and that will help even one person struggling to know that they are not alone. 

Hugs!

Jenny 

Isaiah 64:8  ESV

"But now, O Lord, you are our Father;  we are the clay, and You are our potter;  we are all the work of Your hand."  

Father God,

Thank you for giving me the gift of writing.  Thank you for the people that I might bless and encourage BECAUSE I have had to struggle.  Help me to be brave and to continue Your works no matter how hard it seems.  Hold my mama's heart, and draw me closer to You as I learn to more closely resemble You who created me.  Give me confidence, and guide me in my next steps.  Thank you that I can hold on to this promise from Your Word.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

P.S.  Just writing this helped me finally express what has been deep inside for a while now.  I always tell myself to "give it two weeks, and everything will be fine".  School started August 10.  I took a job substitute teaching at the tail end of the first two weeks and then was sick and an emotional wreck (for practically no reason - ever feel that way?) the whole weekend, so rested that week before we watched my very active and awesome 7 and 8 year old nephews for 4 nights and 5 days starting that Saturday.  By then, it was almost labor day weekend, and I decided that with a four day week, next week (a full week) would be my do-over for that "give it two weeks" theory.  We'll see.  I might really need until Christmas.  

First Day of School

Friday was the first day of school.  Why Friday?  It's because the Florida legislature said that August 10 is the earliest day public schools are allowed to start, so this year it was a Friday.  Counties set their own calendars, so not everyone started on Friday;  many waited until at least Monday.  Everyone has to have 180 student attendance days, so start time, end time, and days off may vary, but all students have to go to school the same amount.  The Friday start was a bit confusing for sure, but it was awesome to get a weekend so fast!  The other advantage I found was that it took a lot of pressure off me to have everything perfectly ready since we would immediately have 2 days to take care of any other last-minute details.

Rachel started high school and found the first day "boring", but this week will definitely pick up, especially with band practice after school at least 2 days.

Hannah likes her new 5th grade teachers and loved her new position as "Officer" in the Safety Patrol.  She, and the other two officers get to raise and lower the flag each day and check in with various areas to see if anyone is absent and where fill-in is needed.

Justin doesn't start his classes until August 21, so he spent a good part of the day sleeping.  Steve said to let him enjoy it;  he has enough time to have to get up early and work for the rest of his life......

My niece started kindergarten and her sister started preschool.  My nephew starting kindergarten is in another county and starts Monday.  His brothers will be in school 5 days a week at two other schools starting soon.  Apparently, the tears are flowing freely.  We'll all get used to it in time, but the years go fast, so enjoy!

My Oviedo nephews started 2nd and 3rd grades, so I am excited to hear reports from them as well.

My older niece and nephew are still in high school, although my senior nephew plans to accelerate his graduation and get to working.  My other niece graduated two years before Justin and now is the proud mommy of a 6 month old boy.  I don't see these nieces and nephew as often, but by all reports are doing well.

What is your school calendar like?  What are the pros and cons for your family?  Comment below, and subscribe above to be alerted to the latest posts and comments from The Vulnerable Mom.

Matthew 25:34 (NIV)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Blessings!
Jenny

Holding it Together and Falling Apart

So, I've surprised myself.  I've been really excited for graduation and for my kids moving into high school and college.  I've only cried a little bit, even during the slideshow at the end-of- year Band Banquet.  Ok, there was a bit of sobbing at the middle school Chorus concert, but they DID play a heartwarming video of the kids recording "I Have a Voice" to include during a live benefit for Stoneman Douglas High School.  Plus, it all of a sudden hit me that she was graduating, too.  (I get one more year of elementary school next year-then done forever).

The way home from the banquet and many times today were another story.  I just kept getting triggered, totally depressed and overwhelmed.  I hope tomorrow is better, because really, it's ridiculous, like PMS on steroids.  I think all the various stresses, anticipated changes, and just staying strong finally caught up with me.

The next two weeks should be interesting.  Then, my calendar is blank.....wow.....

Philippians 4:7

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds n Christ Jesus."

They Grow Up Fast

So, my oldest is about to graduate and my second (1st daughter!) will enter high school in the fall.  The youngest is finishing 4th grade and will be my last elementary schooler ever next year.  Yes, I'm starting to feel a bit sentimental.

Toddlers, especially, are physically exhausting.  Kids need a lot of hands-on in the early years.   What you don't realize when you're "in the trenches" of  raising young children, though, is that it won't be long before the dynamic of your family changes.  The fascination with even the simple things fades, as adolescents naturally start to get "bored" with the things that used to amuse them.  Their interests change and their desire to be alone, engaging in technology, or with their friends increases.  This is a good and natural part of the independence process.  With it comes a whole new parental experience.  It's amazing and it happens really quickly.  The division of the last 7 years of school into middle and high school, the increase in independence and variety of activities seems to speed up those last years of "childhood".  The equivalent amount of time that is spent from preschool-5th grade seems so much longer than the latter seven years. As embarrassing as we sometimes are to our teenagers and almost teen, they really do want us there, and they really do care.  They still need us, and we need them.

Being on the "other end" of the growing up years, I can't say that I regret anything we did to invest in our kids and family.  The vacations were sometimes expensive and maybe not the "best" choice financially.  The sacrifices of time, money, energy, and even sleeping in our own bed have been totally worth it.

Your relationship with your children changes and takes on a whole new identity.  The roots and oneness of the nuclear family are strong and will always be the foundation of the branches that spring forth and grow away while still staying connected.  This is our ideal and it is interesting to experience.  It directly mimics the relationship that God wants to have with each and every one of us.  We are to be rooted, connected, drawing strength and energy from our foundation while branching out to draw others into the embrace of His love.

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean NOT on your OWN understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and HE will make your path straight."

Letting Go

So,the band is on its way. I am so excited for them! I am confident that this is going to be a wonderful experience for Justin, but truth be told, I am having major FOMO (learned that one from my little sis=fear of missing out). Of course, the lingering cough is not helping, so I hope tomorrow feels better. I did decide during one of my frustration fits today that I am awarding myself at least 3 badges for this "letting go"....... Praying hard....join me?

Off to Ireland!

The Hagerty Marching Husky Band has been chosen to participate in the St Patrick Day parade in Dublin, Ireland. This is an extraordinary opportunity for our students to showcase their talents across the globe. It is exciting to have our exceptional high school, our small town of Oviedo,FL, and Seminole County Public School System represented on the European Circuit.   http://www.hagertyhigh.scps.k12.fl.us/
 
I like to say that when a person has a new experience, especially a difficult one, that he or she earns a "badge".  For instance, surviving the 1st day of kindergarten or the first sleepover will earn you a "badge".  It's a silly way to recognize and be positive about things that stretch us emotionally and/or physically. 


My brother-in-law earned a badge when he called the Citrus Bowl to find out if my sister would be able to bring her breast pump through security.  Another sister, who has little boys, is finding that she is earning daily badges.  One of her latest posts described a beautiful day picking strawberries that progressed to her picking goggles out of the toilet that her one year old had thrown in WHILE her three year old was peeing.  Gotta love the early years!


My brother and sister-in-law are working on their "before we have kids" badges, traveling and checking things like "take a hot air balloon ride" off of my brother's bucket list.  My little sister lives in a high-rise building on like the 40th floor, with like floor-to-ceiling windows in her bedroom.  I've never seen it and probably never will.  Definitely badge-worthy living, lol!


Next week will be a badge-earning experience for my family as we send Justin overseas with his band to play in the St. Patrick's Day parade in Dublin, Ireland.  As a Momma that likes to keep her kids close, the thought of a whole week separated by an ocean is at least a little bit terrifying.   God continues to be faithful as we find that the Sheriff's Office is sending 3 officers along as a pilot program with the school system and that a mom we know and trust is his chaperone.  He is able!

In the meantime, I will remember the prayer I used to say nightly with my kids, "Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, and Jesus loves you, and we're all watching over you!"  When Mom and Dad aren't there, God always is! 

Click below to see the band featured on Fox 35 Orlando.       

http://www.fox35orlando.com/good-day/104782953-video 

 

You Can Count on God

And He knows your name.

And He's always the same.

No matter how life may change,

You can count on God.

This is the chorus of a song that I wrote in the heartache of watching, through Facebook and weekly church updates, the journey of an old friend. My friend is from when our church was small. We were part of the original youth group. His dad is still the pastor. I don't know him much now, but I have a daughter only a few months older than his. Except,

he and his wife lost their daughter. They discovered her brain tumor, shared with all of us, demonstrated incredible faith, and said goodbye all in ten short weeks. It was heartbreaking and amazing all at once. God used them.

But....I still cried. I'm still sad. I was scared.

One night when the pain was deep, in the throes of their journey, a song came to my heart. I never quite got the verses (or maybe I threw them away), but the chorus remains. It speaks truth, a truth I discovered in an earlier life valley. It is a truth I continue to hold on to.

I bring back these words because, since then, his brother, also a youth group buddy (my little sister's age) has died. This time it was by choice. I still grieve.

Yet, their family still shines as an example of faithfulness. Ironically, it was their mom that taught me about the book of Job in the Bible.

Today, I am sad because yet another youth group friend has died. I'm not even sure what happened or what had become of him in the last 20+ years. I do know that in high school, I saw Christ in him and looked up to him. He used the resources given to him to include people and was one of the few I called friend. After high school, I don't know if we would have been friends. I gather that my friend still did great things and loved people well. I am proud of that. I read that maybe he made choices I would have disagreed with, and I wish that he could have been the man of God that I dreamed him to be (maybe he was, I really don't know). I grieve for my friends that were closer with him than I, and I am saddened that we, as a society, seem to miss that the people who are most charismatic and giving to others are also hurting and in need of support.

Today, I mourn my youth and the loss of innocence.

So, right this moment, I continue to "count on God", because I have realized that He's truly all I have to count on. I've had great, giving, faithful people in my life and continue to do so.

But.....life changes.......