#BadassandBeautiful2020

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.  Not a big one, but enough that I am feeling like I am closer to the end of my life than the beginning.  I'm guessing that it's a natural thing to consider when you are starting to have children closer to adulthood than preschool.  Add aging parents to the mix, and you are desperate for the hope you had in your 20's.  You realize that your health as a senior isn't guaranteed and that your years of retirement may or may not be long and prosperous.  It makes you want to make the most of today, and it makes you jealous of those at a younger stage of life.

My journey is causing me to act ridiculously but with positive outcomes.  Like most Americans, our family loves to binge on Netflix, Prime, and when "necessary", Hulu, CBS Access, and other streaming services.  Lately, we've even resorted to using our DVR and (gasp) buying a season from Amazon.  My husband and I bond this way, obsessively making our way through one show at a time-  Law and Order, Hawaii 5-0, Quantico, FBI, Blacklist, and finally the NCIS franchise.  Everytime, we fall in love with the characters, the stories, the theme song.....

In some ways, we relate to Kensi and Deeks (NCIS LA) the most.  It isn't so much what had happened in the past with their characters, but more about who they are to each other.  As their story develops, it becomes more and more evident that these two individuals share much more than an attraction for each other.  They have each other's back.  They rely on each other and take care of each other in the best and darkest of days.  They playfully banter and enjoy each other and ultimately realize that it is only with each other that they are "safe".  It is like that with Steve and me.

One day, deep into the NCIS LA binge, we were stuck away from the house and couldn't watch our show.  As I waited impatiently to get my next fix of what was clearly becoming an addiction, (Don't even laugh-I know you've been there...), I thought, "Well, I guess I can look up the actors and see who they really are."  It was then that I discovered that Daniela Ruah, who plays Kensi, actually married her on-screen partner's (Eric Christian Olsen) brother, David Paul Olsen.  Dave is Eric's stunt double.  Go figure.

https://www.facebook.com/enews/videos/special-agent-kensi-blye-and-marty-deeks-are-getting-married/271585543759662/ 

We can't forget LLCool J, Chris O'Donnell,
Renee Felice Smith, and Barrett Foa!

I would later learn that apparently Eric is married to another actress, Sarah Wright Olsen, and both families get along really well, have 6 year old boys and 3 year old girls, and live and vacation in some gorgeous places, places I'd never been and really knew nothing about even though they were in the United States.  I think what really attracted me, though, is the way that these actors portray themselves in real life.  They are caring, involved parents that have put their families ahead of their careers.  They are super proud of their children and love their spouses.  They are grateful for their fans and gentle, smart, kind,vulnerable, and humble.  They grew up living mostly "ordinary" lives in "ordinary" places, and that gives me hope and makes me want to break out of my own "ordinary" life and be noticed.

Linda Hunt

I want to be like Kensi.  I want to be like Daniela.  I want to be badass and beautiful.

So, yes, I'm acting pathetically like a starstruck teenager in many ways, looking for any and everything about my celebrity "crushes", but I'm also inspired.  I want to be strong again, stronger than ever before.  So, I'm exercising and making very slightly (can't do it all at once) better choices about my diet.  I'm setting goals and amazingly, wearing makeup and taking care of my skin almost every day instead of always letting it go.  I'm clearing out my wardrobe and treating myself to new things.

It has its peaks and valleys.  Yesterday, I was coming out of a valley.  But, I want to be strong.  I want to do things I normally wouldn't, like paintball and target practice.  I want to be able to run.

I really love my life, but I am tired of being a slave to my health issues.  I am tired of anemia, and anxiety, and depression.  I am tired of being weak and having no energy.  I am tired of surgery and checkups.  So, I'm declaring it #BadAssandBeautiful2020 if only to keep to my goals.  I'm too young to fall apart.

I'll probably never be a federal agent (well, they aren't either technically), but I can pick myself up again and again and not let my stumbles keep me down.  God didn't make me to be that way.  He cares about me even when I can't care about myself.  He gives me strength when I am weak.  He gives me hope when I feel hopeless.  He is the Rock on which I stand.

Isaiah 40:29  "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."