The Cycle of Feelings

My Dad told me once to never make decisions at night when I was tired.  Good advice.  I tried to nap and go to bed when I was feeling negative, but I still woke up just "done" today.  I haven't been sleeping really well.  Between waking up early, napping, and staying up late, I doubt that I'm truly getting the best rest.  It caught up with me today, I guess, because after lunch and a nap, I am feeling quite a bit better.  

I have to say, though, that after staying fairly positive despite continual change and uncertainty, I just didn't it in me this morning, and discouragement was really setting in.  I have to work pretty hard to stay on top of my mood.  Anxiety, depression, and a low sense of self-worth constantly try to creep in and take over.  One of the strategies I have learned to employ beside self-care is self-talk.  It is important for me to recognize that I hate transitions and change, but that I will feel much better as I become accustomed to the situation.  So, I realize that I AM adjusting to the barrage of cancellations and closings.  While my routine has been thrown into upheaval and unknowns still exist, I WILL adapt.  Meanwhile, I am uneasy and frustrated and being hungry or tired interrupts my ability to cope.  I am trying so hard to be strong, but I also need to give myself grace.  So, if you're feeling that way, too, you're not alone.  And it's going to be ok - eventually.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Not Ready

Hello again!

I've been meaning to write and even thought of lots of things to write about the other day.  The truth is, though, that The Vulnerable Mom is a blog about being brave.  It is about hurt and joy and experiencing life even when it feels like it might tear you apart.  So, I mostly feel compelled to write when I am struggling.

Today is one of those days.  I think I've pegged what is really bothering me.  It's a combination of my usual anxieties, letting go as my kids grow up and difficulty with transition.  I think that, quite frankly, as much as I thought I was, I wasn't ready for my daughter to go to high school.  

There is so much change in those four years, and having a son just finishing them and then going back is much like starting a new school year, teaching the same grade, and realizing that your class is composed of "babies" of that grade rather than "graduates".  It requires a change in expectation and is different because this time, you know where those babies are going to end up.  

Here's the exception, though.  Every kid is different.  My oldest is a boy;  my middle is a girl.  They have unique personalities and talents, even when approaching similar tasks.  They want and need different things at different times.  Kids don't come with an instruction manual.  You write it as you go along.  As with products, different, but comparable models are developed, and features are added and deleted as times change and techniques are proven effective or ineffective.  So goes life.  As soon as you think you've figured it all out, you're thrown a curveball.  Of course, what these really are are challenges and lessons, ways to help us grow.  Sometimes, I get tired of growing!!!

So, as much as I think my daughter is ready for high school, a part of me is grieving.  I know that in these four short years, she will (rightfully so) prepare to be an adult.  She will be busier and have social circles (and boyfriends - Ouch!  I think I just died a little, lol)  that quite frankly will be more important to her than we are.  That is natural.  I am glad for her.  I want that for her.  But it is really, really hard on my mama's heart.  I want more time.  

Thanks for listening.  I hope that my jumbled post actually describes what I was trying to say and that will help even one person struggling to know that they are not alone. 

Hugs!

Jenny 

Isaiah 64:8  ESV

"But now, O Lord, you are our Father;  we are the clay, and You are our potter;  we are all the work of Your hand."  

Father God,

Thank you for giving me the gift of writing.  Thank you for the people that I might bless and encourage BECAUSE I have had to struggle.  Help me to be brave and to continue Your works no matter how hard it seems.  Hold my mama's heart, and draw me closer to You as I learn to more closely resemble You who created me.  Give me confidence, and guide me in my next steps.  Thank you that I can hold on to this promise from Your Word.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

P.S.  Just writing this helped me finally express what has been deep inside for a while now.  I always tell myself to "give it two weeks, and everything will be fine".  School started August 10.  I took a job substitute teaching at the tail end of the first two weeks and then was sick and an emotional wreck (for practically no reason - ever feel that way?) the whole weekend, so rested that week before we watched my very active and awesome 7 and 8 year old nephews for 4 nights and 5 days starting that Saturday.  By then, it was almost labor day weekend, and I decided that with a four day week, next week (a full week) would be my do-over for that "give it two weeks" theory.  We'll see.  I might really need until Christmas.  

My Mission

I often wonder what else I should be doing. Am I having any impact at all on the world around me? Today this popped into my head again, and I wrote it on my whiteboard as a reminder: You are exactly where God wants you to be. I need to be reassured of that fact, and I wrote it as if someone was saying it to me, but really, I am saying it to myself. I am full of negative self-talk and whispers of untruths from the Deceiver. So, today I will put truth at the forefront of my mind and choose to make my life a ministry right where I am, because I am right where God wants me to be. Blessings!