Reset

"I never have any time...."

"I really could use a vacation..."

"I think we're doing too much...."

"I don't know how to say no....."

"There's never enough hours in a day....."

STOP. Pause. Rest. Reset.

"Restart the computer....."

"You'll have to wipe your phone....."

"It stopped us in our tracks and forced us to slow down."

"I wasn't expecting this....."

"Take 2..."

"Return to factory default....."

RESET

I've can't believe that I haven't published a post since May 2.  It's been hard, though, to speak in a world that is so united and divided all at the same time.  In reality, most people have the same goals and desires.  They have the same fears and frustrations.  They are affected more or less personally and responding in kind.  But, instead of listening to the "other side", there seems to be a mentality that it's "all or nothing" with certain subjects.  And that's not okay.  

Everyone has differences.  It's what makes the world work.  I have had experiences and am in situations that you are not (and vice-versa).  What works for me or is within my current scope of understanding may or may not be like anything you have ever seen.  Can we share information with each other?  Sure, but we must also listen to each other.  It gives us a broader perspective to apply to all future encounters.  And if we can't - REST, stay silent, step away, and only then - RESET.

I'm terribly frustrated with the uncertainty of the near future.  It's truly driving me crazy.  I can't stand the inconsistency and the pettyness.  It's not an easy time - for ANYONE.  So, if you get frustrated or just plain "lose it", you're not alone.  Me, too.  

Good News and Bad News

Well, I can't say that the last month has been boring.  It has, in fact, been filled with mostly really good news.


For instance, Justin made World Class for Infinity.  That was his goal and is the highest level in Indoor Percussion.  We are so happy for him.  Stay tuned for more news as the season starts in January.



We're also super excited about the Christmas 2019 tour that the Hagerty Band announced.  Rachel has been doing a stellar job learning the marimba part for the marching show.  As a Freshman, it is a real honor to already have the opportunity of playing this instrument.  She (and I) are adjusting well to this thing called high school.  (Ok, I'll admit it....you already know it was me that needed all the help adjusting, lol).


Steve got a great promotion and is already traveling and being challenged and recognized as a valuable member of his team.  The extra money is never a bad thing either :-).


The only bad thing (aside from the inconvenience of Steve getting his wallet stolen from the latest round of car break-ins in our neighborhood) has been my cancer diagnosis.  Even that has been riddled with great news and extremely evident of God's perfect placement of many previous events.  Long story short, I have been undergoing treatment and monitoring for anemia for almost the last three years.  It has been frustrating, because I am a puzzling case with borderline problems and unknown findings.  First, I had an iron deficiency, then abscesses and a fistula, and now in continuing to search for a cause have found colorectal cancer.  Fortunately, the doctor seems to think that it is a small and slow-growing tumor and very treatable.  It is possible that tomorrow's surgery will be the only inconvenience beside closer continued monitoring.  However, the final staging won't be for a couple of more weeks when lymph node involvement can be determined/ruled out.  Even then, chemotherapy is not supposed to be riddled with side effects and is likely time in a comfortable chair with an iv, something that I am used to and comfortable with because of my previous iron infusions.


Here are just some of the God Things I am noticing:


1.  My sister was a physician recruiter at her old job and recruited my surgeon.  He is top-notch.
2.  I have already had numerous procedures under anesthesia, including 4 in the last 16-17 months which required similar recovery periods.  Truthfully, I am anxious to see how hard this will hit me, and the not knowing is one of the most aggravating things to me right now.  Guess I get to learn some more patience and letting go.
3.  I already have been going to an oncologist (because he is also my hematologist) and am used to being poked and prodded and given infusions.
4.  I wasn't supposed to have a colonoscopy for at least another 2 1/2 years.  It was gentle nudging from two of my doctors and my speaking up to a third that allowed this to be found so early.
5.  I had an identical CT with contrast almost exactly 2 years ago which has allowed my doctors to have comparison data.
6.  My husband works at home and already is very involved with taking care of our family.
7.  My children are older and more capable of taking care of things like cooking and laundry.  Justin is in college now and home at 11 am Monday through Thursday and off on Friday.  This will help a lot when he is able to pick up his sisters or run to the store. 
8.  I have an incredibly loving and supportive network of family and friends which has already made this a lot less stressful and helped me to focus on the positive.
9.  Because of my many doctors' appointments especially with the hematologist/oncologist, I understand how much worse this could be and have also made friends and realize what an opportunity this is to spread the joy of the Lord.
10.  All of this is possible because of my faith in Jesus which was nurtured from a very early age.
11.  In high school, I helped with a student Bible study on the book of Job.  That is where I get much of my inspiration for his situation.
12.  Sadly, many others have gone before me in tragedy.  Many have been much less "lucky", yet their families continue to stay faithful.  They endured the loss but chose to lean in to God rather than isolate Him.  What a wonderful example.

Honestly, I'm scared and not scared.  I know who goes before me, but I also know that I want His will to be done and not my own.  I beg Him to say yes to me, just as Jesus asked the Father to spare him death on a cross.  But.....Your will be done.

I'm planning for my future, but I have learned to enjoy the moment.

Thanks for praying for me.

Jenny

P.S.  I am vulnerable in hopes that it might be an encouragement to someone someday.  Please share.

Why???? Because The Battle Belongs To The Lord

No matter how much we know that God's plans are greater than ours, we still question "Why?".  We can have all the faith in the world, but some things still cause us to wonder how such heartbreak can really be from such a good God.  We say "Oh, Poor Me!" or "Oh, Poor Them!".  We care, and it hurts.

I think that if we are looking and we are honest, we often find the answer to the "whys" later on.  If we still can't find the cause, we can usually find the effect.  We can see how God has worked intimately in the details to put us in just the right place at just the right time in just the right circumstance.  It doesn't always start with a positive, but it always ends that way.....eventually.

Sometimes we just aren't grown up enough to see the full picture, and quite frankly, we never will be fully grown until we reach heaven.  Just like a child, we question, because with our lack of experience, we only have limited perspective.  That is as it should be.  No one blames a child for his innocence, but celebrates both when the child trusts those wiser than him and when he reaches milestones of further understanding for himself.  God celebrates that in us.

I wonder "Why?" a lot, but I don't question that God has a plan.  Am I deep down angry? Yes, but it doesn't change anything.  We are called to keep on keeping on, to take the next right step.  Sometimes, we are so broken that we don't know how to start.  In this I say two things:  Get quiet, get alone, and get real with God.  Share your hurt, and allow him to draw you near.  Let the agony out.  This might mean tears, screams, pillow punches, running.....just keep it safe for yourself and others.  When you are worn out, your heart can begin to heal, to hear the still, small voice of the One who loves you more than anything.  

It's not so much about answers as it is about feeling understood enough to put truth at the forefront.  It is a discussion that starts with pain and ends with peace.  Circumstances haven't changed, but demons have been battled and the victory belongs to the Lord.  This doesn't mean that the grief, sadness, depression, anger.... will not return.  It means that it has been pushed back.  It will be a battle again and again.

Secondly, let the routine drive you.  Sometimes, we just feel dead inside.  We know that we will feel better, but for now, life just feels too much.  This is when we do the next right thing.  We get up and feed our hungry kids.  We start a load of laundry.  We go to work or school.  In doing these things, we move forward.  We have a sense of normalcy and a good dose of "heavy work".  In due time, the fog lifts and the mood passes.  It is imperative that we do not let ourselves become stuck in depression.  Sometimes no one around us will understand.  Other times they will be just what we need.  Often, they just don't have the patience for it anymore.  We are strong.  We can rise above it.  His mercies are new every morning.  You are equipped.  

Father God, we don't know why.  We ache inside, and we long to feel better.  We ask that You would bind these demons against us and fill us with Your Holy Spirit that we might know Your truth and Your peace.  Hold us in Your loving arms and care for us as only You can.  Then, give us the strength to carry on day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute.  Remind us to do the next right thing, that this season is just a season, that it will get better because that's how life works.  Teach us how to love others, because we have been loved.  Teach us to how to understand others, because we have been understood.  Teach us how to have compassion, because YOU have been compassionate with us.  Amen

Romans 8:26-39 (NIV)

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whoⁱ have been called according to His purpose. 

29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 

34Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 

35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?36As it is written:  “For your sake we face death all day long;  we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 

38For I am convinced that 

neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future, 

nor any powers, 

39neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalms

I feel like I think the psalmist felt when they cried out in anguish to God.  I feel broken and I'm so scared of death.  It will be better in the morning, at least after a while.  But, for now, my heart just hurts......

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

This is one of my favorite songs.  I realize tonight how much it is talking about the peace that comes in going to heaven.  My heart is heavy remembering some of my friends who have left this earth and knowing that loss will continue......This is for you....my distributed church in heaven.....love you all!

http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-will-rise-live-chris-tomlin-ml-video-dpg.htm

Chris Tomlin

l

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, it is well

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise

Theres a day thats drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing  

Worthy is the Lamb

And I hear the cry of every longing heart

Worthy is the Lamb

And I hear the voice of many angels sing 

Worthy is the Lamb

And I hear the cry of every longing heart

Worthy is the Lamb

(You are worthy, You are worthy)

Worthy is the Lamb

 I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagle's wings

Before my God, fall on my knees

And rise, I will rise, I will rise

Read more: Chris Tomlin - I Will Rise Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Evidence

I am so frustrated.  God has taken my voice.  Well, most of it, anyway.  My husband jokingly says that it's just more evidence that God is a man.  Ha.....Ha...

All kidding aside, what evidence of God have you seen?  Do you ever think that the interruptions in your life are orchestrated to put you in the right place at the right time?  Do you ever watch something in nature and think to yourself that someone MUST have created it?  Do you stand in awe of the circle of life barely able to comprehend it?  That's God.  That's evidence of His existence. 

Pay attention.  Your testimony is the data.  The data adds up.  You just have to be willing to collect it.

^{Romans 1:20} 

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.

Luke 19:40

 “I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”

Check out this awesome version of Ain't No Rock!

Theology, from a seven year old point of view

When Hannah got off the bus recently, she said she had been daydreaming about God putting her back before she was born.  She described the evil angel (Satan) and gave vivid details about her musings.  At school, she reports playing and drawing pictures where Satan (the evil one) controls things (usually horses) while whoever else she wants in the story watches.  Trust me when I say that while I can't always remember all the elements of her imaginings, I know that she's got the basic theology down.  Satan is bad and God is good.


Recently, our family seems to be in a season of trial.  One thing after another happens to cause us to either trust in God or abandon all hope.  We are choosing trust.  While God is gracious and gives us brief periods of rest, life is very unpredictable right now and I truly feel that we are in a period of testing. 


I told my girls the story of Job.  In the Bible, it tells us that Satan (a fallen angel) visits God in heaven and questions the loyalty of a man named Job.  By the way, the name Job has a "long o".  Anyway, Satan tells God that of course Job is faithful and loyal to Him;  he has been blessed again and again.  God agrees to allow Satan to test Job.  The only condition is that he cannot take his life. 


As the story proceeds, Job loses his livestock (financial), servants, and children, is covered in painful sores, and still praises God.  The remainder of the story is a conversation between Job and his friends lamenting and debating the "whys" of the situation.  Finally, God intervenes and calls Job from a whirlwind, asking him rhetorical questions.  Job is overwhelmed by the encounter, and God restores his health, wealth, and family. 

We've also been talking about the spiritual warfare that is happening all around us every day.  Hannah and I sometimes name the demons we think are bothering us as Frank Peretti does in his book This Present Darkness.  We claim the power of Jesus' name by saying (even very quietly) "In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave", and we believe that those demons are leaving.  I feel physical relief when I claim that power, so I can testify to this invisible battle.  We pray for the Holy Spirit and the angels to surround us and everywhere we go, and we feel protected. 


You see, I want my children to know where true power and protection come from.  I want them to know the difference between the truth of God and the lies of Satan.  I want them to know that even when we don't understand the "whys" and "whats", we have a God who does and who is working out HIS plan and HIS plan is always good in the end. 

Legacy

Matthew 7:16-20


¹⁶ By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? ¹⁷ Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. ¹⁸ A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. ¹⁹ Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰ Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

I read this scripture at my grandma's funeral.  It is originally a text teaching about recognizing the difference between false and good prophets.  We talked a lot about how it applies to people in general.  If we are a tree that is growing upward and downward, we will branch out and produce much good fruit, affecting many people's lives in positive ways.  These "fruit" will then produce seeds and create new trees, multiplying the effect. 

The sun is an imperative ingredient in the process of photosynthesis, providing food and nutrients for the tree.  The tree grows tall and the branches spread out seeking this sun.  Likewise, a person should consistently seek the Light of God (the Son) by communicating directly with Him and by building relationships with others that point us to God. 

A tree must also receive water and nutrients from the soil.  In order to do this effectively, the roots must branch out underground in many directions.  This also helps to support the tree as it grows. 

Grandma and Grandpa put down roots in Minnesota.  They lived there their whole lives and invested in their community.  This was evidenced by the presence of people from Coca-Cola (my grandfather's workplace for over 30 years), Boy Scouts (a long-time commitment by both of them and their 6 boys), Lion's Club, residents from the Co-op where Grandma lived, old neighbors and friends from the boys' childhood (They are all over 50 years old now.), and many others.  Additionally, over 60 sons, daughter-in-laws, grandchildren and their spouses, and great-children were in attendance.  Grandma was actively involved in each of our lives, even those of us that lived far away.  She remembered everything and cared about everybody.  She has left us a legacy to continue.  We will miss her.



You Can Count on God

And He knows your name.

And He's always the same.

No matter how life may change,

You can count on God.

This is the chorus of a song that I wrote in the heartache of watching, through Facebook and weekly church updates, the journey of an old friend. My friend is from when our church was small. We were part of the original youth group. His dad is still the pastor. I don't know him much now, but I have a daughter only a few months older than his. Except,

he and his wife lost their daughter. They discovered her brain tumor, shared with all of us, demonstrated incredible faith, and said goodbye all in ten short weeks. It was heartbreaking and amazing all at once. God used them.

But....I still cried. I'm still sad. I was scared.

One night when the pain was deep, in the throes of their journey, a song came to my heart. I never quite got the verses (or maybe I threw them away), but the chorus remains. It speaks truth, a truth I discovered in an earlier life valley. It is a truth I continue to hold on to.

I bring back these words because, since then, his brother, also a youth group buddy (my little sister's age) has died. This time it was by choice. I still grieve.

Yet, their family still shines as an example of faithfulness. Ironically, it was their mom that taught me about the book of Job in the Bible.

Today, I am sad because yet another youth group friend has died. I'm not even sure what happened or what had become of him in the last 20+ years. I do know that in high school, I saw Christ in him and looked up to him. He used the resources given to him to include people and was one of the few I called friend. After high school, I don't know if we would have been friends. I gather that my friend still did great things and loved people well. I am proud of that. I read that maybe he made choices I would have disagreed with, and I wish that he could have been the man of God that I dreamed him to be (maybe he was, I really don't know). I grieve for my friends that were closer with him than I, and I am saddened that we, as a society, seem to miss that the people who are most charismatic and giving to others are also hurting and in need of support.

Today, I mourn my youth and the loss of innocence.

So, right this moment, I continue to "count on God", because I have realized that He's truly all I have to count on. I've had great, giving, faithful people in my life and continue to do so.

But.....life changes.......

Vulnerable to the Passage of Time

It's hard to believe that almost a month has gone by since my last post. I have thought of several things to write about, but the one that stands out to me right now is the vulnerability that we all have to TIME. It's funny how the older we get, the faster time seems to go. I remember being a kid and thinking it was just FOREVER until Christmas (even once we were out on school break!). Now, it's late September, and it feels like Christmas was only a couple of months ago. As Moms, this "time flies" concept takes on a whole new meaning. It means that we are vulnerable to the realization (and all the emotion that comes with it) that our children are growing up WAYYYYYY too fast. It seems like only yesterday that......I can hardly bear to think that way. I guess that's one of the great blessings in having my children spaced 4 years apart-just when I "lose" one to preschool, I have a new baby to love at home.

Don't get me wrong-it's such a great thing to watch children grow. I am watching Hannah (my almost 6 month old) with the bittersweet joy that comes with the first year. A tiny helpless infant that, in 12 months time, develops into a walking, talking toddler. It is SO amazing-so fun to watch, and yet, seems to happen in the blink of an eye sometimes.

There are times I wish I wasn't so sentimental, because it really hurts a lot to be so exposed. I think, though, that it also allows me to experience things more deeply and fully. The great thing, I realize, is that with family to share life's experiences and pictures that document the journey, we can go back in time in our hearts and minds, continuing to learn through reflection accompanied by broadened perspective. We start to see the patterns and how God has placed us to interlock as pieces in a puzzle. We begin to glimpse the vision that He has for our tiny part in the world, and we acknowledge what He has always known and been trying to tell us from the Beginning-that God is God and we are NOT, that He actually does know what He's doing, and that He DOES indeed want what is best for us, even if we can't see it that way from our limited viewpoint.