Teens and Young Adults; Transition and Technology

Our young adult children are less confident than we think.  The teen and young adult years have always been filled with anxiety as guys and girls, filled with a sudden and powerful rush of hormones, are catapulted into scenarios they’ve never encountered before.  The drive for independence that is flipped on whispers to them that they are alone in tackling these missions and that they should know everything they need to do so.  They are let loose in situations much bigger than they have been expected to navigate in the past.  No more is the security of only one or two classrooms and teachers and bragging rights as the most experienced students in elementary school.  No more is the car line an orderly process with strict procedures.  No longer is their entire life orchestrated for them.  Now, there are decisions.  Choices.  Freedom.  And the very people that they need advice from, their bodies are telling them to push away.  A necessary evil for parent and child, yes.  But easy?  No.

As all of the other teens and young adults are going through similar experiences, the chaos is magnified.  The process of finding one’s place in a “society” where every member is at a different place of this very difficult journey, results in an explosion of emotion that causes both inner and outer conflicts.  Everyone wants to feel accepted and affirmed, to belong.  Yet, in the process, as is inherent in the imperfection of every individual, they step on each other in an effort to elevate themselves.  Some are able to engage long enough in the scuffle to move up and down the social ladder, while others bottom out and get trampled.  

Meanwhile, as societal advances continue, the good of such enhancements is often outweighed by the negative progress that comes as a direct result.  A virtual world is faster, more efficient, and incredibly comprehensive, but that is also just the problem.  When we eliminate the process, we often eliminate the learning that accompanies it.  When we learn to expect the instantaneous, we grow impatient and fail to realize that goals and visions take time and a whole lot of effort to come to fruition.  Without tangible coins and bills, paper billing, and checkbooks to balance, there is little connection made between risks and benefit, costs and value.  We don’t fully solidify the link between hard work and survival or enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done.  Are these lessons completely lost?  Absolutely not, but they also affect how we work and how we relate to others.  When a two year old knows how to ask a machine for information, a teen or young adult has trouble understanding how to think for themselves.  They miss the process, the “doing” that transmits information into long-term memory and the opportunity to learn the emotional regulation necessary to work through frustration. 

The result is impulsiveness, and to a brain that is still learning to think before it acts, the risk of consequences is magnified.  There are no longer boundaries on the input that may enter young people’s minds, complicating the very natural process of determining one’s place in this world.  With constant input, there is not rest, and with greater efficiency comes higher expectations for round the clock results.  This is starting in schools, and while much of technology is positive, it is blurring the line between work, school, and home.  Again, our rest is constrained, and our time together as families is more and more interrupted.  

Today’s technology has brought us closer together and farther apart almost simultaneously.  It draws so many people into our lives that it can be hard to determine which ones to pay more attention to and which ones to filter out.  Advertisements sneak their way onto our screens distracting us from our intended tasks and communications.  Biased news and opinionated comments disguise themselves as fact, and smiling faces and proud reports of loved ones’ accomplishments trick our minds into thinking that we are seeing the whole picture of others’ lives.  

Being bombarded with such messages has proven to be responsible for increased depression and anxiety, and that’s not just with teens.  Teens and young adults add that to an already overwhelming time of identity crisis and fierce physical change.  So, give them a break.  There’s a lot behind their words and actions.  Read between the lines.  Be their safe place.  They need you.  They want you.  But, they also are trying to grow up.  And that’s a very difficult balance to strike.  

Generation Gap - Nice Little Saturday

Hope you’re having a “nice little Saturday”!  This clip from the movie Old School is a running joke in our family, especially between my husband and brother-in-law.  Will Ferrell hilariously captures the essence of the generation gap between college guy and middle-aged man.

Old School - Will Ferrell’s “Nice Little Saturday”
(Click to watch⇧)

Validated

I think that one of the things that we struggle with the most as people is our need for validation.  As individuals, we have been created uniquely, for specific purposes.  Yet, we constantly compare ourselves to each other and feel that either we are falling short, or that we must compete to prove our worth.  Instead of accepting that we need other people and they need us, we fight against the very idea and allow hatred and jealousy to breed in our hearts.

I am very guilty of this, and I seriously doubt that there is anyone who is not.  Why?  Because we are inherently sinful and self-centered.   AND.....because we are MADE for relationships.  The war within us rages like a tug-of-war between a single, solitary focus on personal survival and the desire and need to connect with those around us.

How then do we achieve a balance between the preservation of self and the interdependence necessary for  a fulfilling existence?  I am convinced that the solution is simple in theory but complex in execution.  The answer lies at the root of metaphors told time and again.  Perhaps, Tom Rath tells it best in his book, “How Full Is Your Bucket For Kids”.  The basic concept is that everyone has a bucket that when filled allows us to be our best because we feel our best.  Our emotional needs have been met.  On the other hand, a depleted bucket represents the heart of a person who has had all of their positive self-worth taken away one dipperful after another and never has been refilled.

We don’t even realize that we need to be filled in order to be fulfilled.  In other words, everyone NEEDS validation -again and again.  They NEED to be told what they are doing right, that they are noticed, and that their contributions MATTER.  It is IMPERATIVE that we are purposeful in building each other up as well as refraining from tearing each other down, because what has been proven again and again is that when we feel better, we act better.

The bottom line is that we THINK that everybody else has it all together, but really, they don’t.  If  we start to look outside our own frustrations and problems, we will start to notice that others DO need our encouragement, and in that, WE will be encouraged.

Be intentional about celebrating others.  You probably are making more of a difference than you will ever know.

#BadassandBeautiful2020

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.  Not a big one, but enough that I am feeling like I am closer to the end of my life than the beginning.  I'm guessing that it's a natural thing to consider when you are starting to have children closer to adulthood than preschool.  Add aging parents to the mix, and you are desperate for the hope you had in your 20's.  You realize that your health as a senior isn't guaranteed and that your years of retirement may or may not be long and prosperous.  It makes you want to make the most of today, and it makes you jealous of those at a younger stage of life.

My journey is causing me to act ridiculously but with positive outcomes.  Like most Americans, our family loves to binge on Netflix, Prime, and when "necessary", Hulu, CBS Access, and other streaming services.  Lately, we've even resorted to using our DVR and (gasp) buying a season from Amazon.  My husband and I bond this way, obsessively making our way through one show at a time-  Law and Order, Hawaii 5-0, Quantico, FBI, Blacklist, and finally the NCIS franchise.  Everytime, we fall in love with the characters, the stories, the theme song.....

In some ways, we relate to Kensi and Deeks (NCIS LA) the most.  It isn't so much what had happened in the past with their characters, but more about who they are to each other.  As their story develops, it becomes more and more evident that these two individuals share much more than an attraction for each other.  They have each other's back.  They rely on each other and take care of each other in the best and darkest of days.  They playfully banter and enjoy each other and ultimately realize that it is only with each other that they are "safe".  It is like that with Steve and me.

One day, deep into the NCIS LA binge, we were stuck away from the house and couldn't watch our show.  As I waited impatiently to get my next fix of what was clearly becoming an addiction, (Don't even laugh-I know you've been there...), I thought, "Well, I guess I can look up the actors and see who they really are."  It was then that I discovered that Daniela Ruah, who plays Kensi, actually married her on-screen partner's (Eric Christian Olsen) brother, David Paul Olsen.  Dave is Eric's stunt double.  Go figure.

https://www.facebook.com/enews/videos/special-agent-kensi-blye-and-marty-deeks-are-getting-married/271585543759662/ 

We can't forget LLCool J, Chris O'Donnell,
Renee Felice Smith, and Barrett Foa!

I would later learn that apparently Eric is married to another actress, Sarah Wright Olsen, and both families get along really well, have 6 year old boys and 3 year old girls, and live and vacation in some gorgeous places, places I'd never been and really knew nothing about even though they were in the United States.  I think what really attracted me, though, is the way that these actors portray themselves in real life.  They are caring, involved parents that have put their families ahead of their careers.  They are super proud of their children and love their spouses.  They are grateful for their fans and gentle, smart, kind,vulnerable, and humble.  They grew up living mostly "ordinary" lives in "ordinary" places, and that gives me hope and makes me want to break out of my own "ordinary" life and be noticed.

Linda Hunt

I want to be like Kensi.  I want to be like Daniela.  I want to be badass and beautiful.

So, yes, I'm acting pathetically like a starstruck teenager in many ways, looking for any and everything about my celebrity "crushes", but I'm also inspired.  I want to be strong again, stronger than ever before.  So, I'm exercising and making very slightly (can't do it all at once) better choices about my diet.  I'm setting goals and amazingly, wearing makeup and taking care of my skin almost every day instead of always letting it go.  I'm clearing out my wardrobe and treating myself to new things.

It has its peaks and valleys.  Yesterday, I was coming out of a valley.  But, I want to be strong.  I want to do things I normally wouldn't, like paintball and target practice.  I want to be able to run.

I really love my life, but I am tired of being a slave to my health issues.  I am tired of anemia, and anxiety, and depression.  I am tired of being weak and having no energy.  I am tired of surgery and checkups.  So, I'm declaring it #BadAssandBeautiful2020 if only to keep to my goals.  I'm too young to fall apart.

I'll probably never be a federal agent (well, they aren't either technically), but I can pick myself up again and again and not let my stumbles keep me down.  God didn't make me to be that way.  He cares about me even when I can't care about myself.  He gives me strength when I am weak.  He gives me hope when I feel hopeless.  He is the Rock on which I stand.

Isaiah 40:29  "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Not Ready

Hello again!

I've been meaning to write and even thought of lots of things to write about the other day.  The truth is, though, that The Vulnerable Mom is a blog about being brave.  It is about hurt and joy and experiencing life even when it feels like it might tear you apart.  So, I mostly feel compelled to write when I am struggling.

Today is one of those days.  I think I've pegged what is really bothering me.  It's a combination of my usual anxieties, letting go as my kids grow up and difficulty with transition.  I think that, quite frankly, as much as I thought I was, I wasn't ready for my daughter to go to high school.  

There is so much change in those four years, and having a son just finishing them and then going back is much like starting a new school year, teaching the same grade, and realizing that your class is composed of "babies" of that grade rather than "graduates".  It requires a change in expectation and is different because this time, you know where those babies are going to end up.  

Here's the exception, though.  Every kid is different.  My oldest is a boy;  my middle is a girl.  They have unique personalities and talents, even when approaching similar tasks.  They want and need different things at different times.  Kids don't come with an instruction manual.  You write it as you go along.  As with products, different, but comparable models are developed, and features are added and deleted as times change and techniques are proven effective or ineffective.  So goes life.  As soon as you think you've figured it all out, you're thrown a curveball.  Of course, what these really are are challenges and lessons, ways to help us grow.  Sometimes, I get tired of growing!!!

So, as much as I think my daughter is ready for high school, a part of me is grieving.  I know that in these four short years, she will (rightfully so) prepare to be an adult.  She will be busier and have social circles (and boyfriends - Ouch!  I think I just died a little, lol)  that quite frankly will be more important to her than we are.  That is natural.  I am glad for her.  I want that for her.  But it is really, really hard on my mama's heart.  I want more time.  

Thanks for listening.  I hope that my jumbled post actually describes what I was trying to say and that will help even one person struggling to know that they are not alone. 

Hugs!

Jenny 

Isaiah 64:8  ESV

"But now, O Lord, you are our Father;  we are the clay, and You are our potter;  we are all the work of Your hand."  

Father God,

Thank you for giving me the gift of writing.  Thank you for the people that I might bless and encourage BECAUSE I have had to struggle.  Help me to be brave and to continue Your works no matter how hard it seems.  Hold my mama's heart, and draw me closer to You as I learn to more closely resemble You who created me.  Give me confidence, and guide me in my next steps.  Thank you that I can hold on to this promise from Your Word.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

P.S.  Just writing this helped me finally express what has been deep inside for a while now.  I always tell myself to "give it two weeks, and everything will be fine".  School started August 10.  I took a job substitute teaching at the tail end of the first two weeks and then was sick and an emotional wreck (for practically no reason - ever feel that way?) the whole weekend, so rested that week before we watched my very active and awesome 7 and 8 year old nephews for 4 nights and 5 days starting that Saturday.  By then, it was almost labor day weekend, and I decided that with a four day week, next week (a full week) would be my do-over for that "give it two weeks" theory.  We'll see.  I might really need until Christmas.  

Pinterest Picks: Back to School

This is a really useful "how-to" guide 
especially for older students.  Being able to 
easily retrieve and put away supplies will keep 
your child from missing valuable instructions 
while they dig in their backpack.   

I like this idea for both Mom 
(or Dad!) and a child that are 
used to being together all day 
and may experience some 
separation anxiety.

This is adorable!  It would take a lot of 
dedication to finish out the handprints on the 
back (a new twist from what I've seen before), 
but what a neat idea!  BTW, here's a shoutout 
to my nephew, Rowan, class of  2033!

Create a quiet reading nook in your home to 
provide both a quiet calming area and a place 
to encourage daily reading.  Pillows and 
bookshelves , seating, and tents all help to 
create a cozy escape that promote a 
lifelong love of reading.

Showing off your child's work is easy with this 
colorful display using frames and clothespins.

A child's drawings give clues to his 
or her developmental level.  The 
artwork does pile up after a while, 
though, and can get faded or torn. 
This idea allows multiple pieces 
to be saved and displayed at once.

This article explains how important 
self-control is in a classroom where 
the students outnumber the teacher 
many times over.  Kindergarten is 
different from preschool, it explains, 
and there are multiple strategies to 
help your child continue to develop 
this this very important skill.

     

I have to admit that I have WAY 

more stuff saved than could possibly 

fit in one box (please, don't laugh-

it is organized, although I need to catch up).  

This is a great idea, though, and nothing is 

saying that you can't have more than one box!

 

   

    

We don't all have a mudroom, but most of us 
can find a place to create a command center 
to better organize our homes.  Remember, it 
doesn't all have to be in one place.  A hook 
in the bedroom for the backpack still gets it 
off the floor and easy to find.  

An art cart/homework station gives you mobility and allows you to create multipurpose areas in your home.

I love the drawers featured in 
this post.  Being able to find the 
right tools during homework time 
will make your afternoons and 
evenings go much more smoothly!  

Don't forget your ABC's! 
We all could use a little caffeine
to jumpstart those hectic, early
mornings before school!

Mornings, ugh!  The worst part besides
homework of back to school.  Maybe some
of these ideas will help you get back in
the routine more quickly and easily!

A simple way to corral all of your
school supplies in one place and
use individual supplies as needed.

   

I'll see you in heaven......

Well, it seems that another influential person of my past has joined Jesus in heaven far too young and far too tragically.  If we are to be truthful, all of us are here for a season, and God has planned out and numbered each of our days.  His perfection is not limited by our imperfection.  Pastor Orlando Rivera was killed in a car accident early morning on Memorial Day.  He was only 52 and left behind a large family and legacy.  I haven't seen him in a very long time, but in coming upon his picture, his friendly and caring personality came right back to me.  He was a pastor at my church during an influential time in my life.  I don't remember how long he was there, but know it was in high school and beyond.   
I remember seeing him working in a Chick-Fil-A sometime when my children were young.  I believe he was a pastor for another church at that time.  It was probably the last time I saw him.  I remember that he and his wife were the first interracial couple that I ever knew.  I think that they moved to the Parramore area to live in a neighborhood that was scary to be near but desperately needed to experience God's love.  I think that many, if not all, of their many children are adopted.  I could be wrong as it's been a long time, but I find it interesting that seeing a photograph of his smiling face brings back the dynamic and inclusive person that he was.  I pray for his family, not because they can't survive, for I am certain that their strength comes from the Lord.  I pray because it is hard to lose someone, but even harder to not be able to say goodbye.  It is a very real fear of mine.

I am thankful to have known these people that now wait for me in heaven......Grandpa and Grandma Carlson, Grandpa Lehn, Ava, Isaac, Chad, Grandma Lehn, Angie's Dad, and now Orlando.  I also found out that two very special friends of mine that stuck with me through the toddler and preschool years with my oldest, have both lost their husbands.  One friend was happily married and lost her husband very quickly to brain cancer.  The other friend had remarried, but has two daughters who lost their father instantly (I believe also in a wrong way collision, like Orlando).  

Unbelievable.  It is amazing to me how many have died so young.  I find it comforting to think that we are developing a personal distributed church in heaven.  Hold on to your faith, for it truly is the only constant that you will ever have.  I write without revision, because the sadness is fresh and the shock is real.  Even while God has protected me personally by distancing me through the years from those that have been taken away, others have not been so lucky.  Maybe they are just in a different place, though, with different strengths and different things to learn.  

Caring is hard no matter what.  Being vulnerable enough to love results in great joy AND great pain.  Bravo to those that keep their eyes fixed on Jesus and are willing to risk loving.  

Matthew 5:4. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Go in HIS peace........

They Grow Up Fast

So, my oldest is about to graduate and my second (1st daughter!) will enter high school in the fall.  The youngest is finishing 4th grade and will be my last elementary schooler ever next year.  Yes, I'm starting to feel a bit sentimental.

Toddlers, especially, are physically exhausting.  Kids need a lot of hands-on in the early years.   What you don't realize when you're "in the trenches" of  raising young children, though, is that it won't be long before the dynamic of your family changes.  The fascination with even the simple things fades, as adolescents naturally start to get "bored" with the things that used to amuse them.  Their interests change and their desire to be alone, engaging in technology, or with their friends increases.  This is a good and natural part of the independence process.  With it comes a whole new parental experience.  It's amazing and it happens really quickly.  The division of the last 7 years of school into middle and high school, the increase in independence and variety of activities seems to speed up those last years of "childhood".  The equivalent amount of time that is spent from preschool-5th grade seems so much longer than the latter seven years. As embarrassing as we sometimes are to our teenagers and almost teen, they really do want us there, and they really do care.  They still need us, and we need them.

Being on the "other end" of the growing up years, I can't say that I regret anything we did to invest in our kids and family.  The vacations were sometimes expensive and maybe not the "best" choice financially.  The sacrifices of time, money, energy, and even sleeping in our own bed have been totally worth it.

Your relationship with your children changes and takes on a whole new identity.  The roots and oneness of the nuclear family are strong and will always be the foundation of the branches that spring forth and grow away while still staying connected.  This is our ideal and it is interesting to experience.  It directly mimics the relationship that God wants to have with each and every one of us.  We are to be rooted, connected, drawing strength and energy from our foundation while branching out to draw others into the embrace of His love.

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean NOT on your OWN understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and HE will make your path straight."

Middle of the Night Musings

So, my sister, Krista and her family are moving, too.  They don't live right next door.  They live two hours away, and now they will live at least twice as far.  We have barely visited them, but they visit a lot.  I'm sad, happy, excited for them, thinking about them in practical ways......Gosh, I'm tired.....

Or maybe that's from the surgery I had almost 3 weeks ago.  Maybe I'm actually still healing and doing too much.  It was a blast being part of the surprise "prom" for sister Sarah's birthday.  Oh, and school starts August 10....in 9 days!

The new neighbors moved in yesterday.  Other people are moving out, so more new people will be here soon.  Man,  these are a lot of changes.  It's exciting, a bit nerve-wracking ....

By the way, it's 4:45 a.m.  I just got kicked out of my bed by my nine year old, so I am writing this in her partially finished room.

Why do we feel the need to constantly be in control?  You would think that by now I would have mastered the concept of relying on God.  Yet, I still consistently want to be in charge of my little section of the world.  My humanness just keeps getting in the way.  I believe, but my steps falter.  So, God knocks me down a bit and helps me get back up again.....every time.

Proverbs 16:18 

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

Proverbs 16:1
We can make our plans, but the final outcome is in God's hands.

Moving On

I'm just sad....Our neighbors of the last 11 years are moving.  My 9 year old has grown up with their family - 8 year old girl and 5 and 1 year old boys.  They have seen our son go from a first grader to a senior in high school.  Our 13 year old was two when they moved in.  They are our family in Christ. 




Good neighbors provide a unique opportunity to be spontaneous in our interactions and to minister to one another in very practical ways.  We watch out for each other, borrow when needed, offer encouragement and advice, and in the case of close neighbors, share each others' burdens.  This has been so true as the McCutchens have shared their lives and lived next door. 




To maintain a relationship, we will now need to make a much bigger effort and commitment.  We can't just look out the window or over the fence anymore.  It's an ending and a beginning. 




What will happen?  I don't really know.  I am especially sad for our youngest.  It is yet another time that my heart breaks for my child, and I have to feel so much more than is comfortable.  Meanwhile, school starts in less than two weeks.  My "children" will be in 4th, 8th, and 12th grades this year.  I thought I had more time...........treasure the moments.




...........Yet, we continue to trust and recognize God's hand in all of this (whether we want to admit it or not), because we know that He is in control and wants the very best for us.


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8




To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;  a time to plant, and time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;  a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;  a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;  a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;  a time to keep, and time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;  a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;  a time of war, and a time of peace.

Discovery Cove

Since Justin is in Ireland and this isn't his thing, we took the opportunity to take the girls to Discovery Cove.  What a fun day!  Surprisingly, the dolphin encounter wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.  We even all kissed her! 

My cough was still lingering, and I am a total chicken, so I skipped the snorkel and mask, but enjoyed the Grand Reef from the shallow water.  Even the big stingray came up close!  The girls loved the snorkels and used them in the (nice and warm!) Wind-Away River with Steve.  After one trip around, I opted for a life jacket so I could just float. 

The aviary was so cool with lots of different species of birds and plenty of food to offer them.  We saw the marmosets in the Freshwater Oasis, but the otters were in hiding.  It, too, was wonderfully warm! 

The food, the experiences, everything included....we loved it!