New Seasons

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

We have been going through a very trying time in our home.  The past few months have exhausted us as my husband’s mom, Jan, underwent surgery, recovery, and finally went to be the the Lord on March 10.  I’ve known her since I was 18, and got to know so many neat things about her life over the last few months.  She had Alzheimer’s disease, and it was painful to watch as she slipped away from us.  It was frustrating and took a lot of time and energy, mostly from my husband and his sister.  I helped more toward the end, and it makes the loss even more profound.  There’s a lot to reflect on and many stages of grief to cycle through over and over agin.  I feel so bad for Steve, and I personally am experiencing the loss so much more than I ever would have expected.

To add to that, a few days before her death, our youngest, Hannah, discovered our bird dying, likely from flying and falling.  It was devastating and traumatic, and is still haunting her.  I usually have Steve hold a dying pet, but it happened precisely as he was about to meet with Hospice across town to sign over his mother’s care, so I earned a new motherhood badge that day.

Meanwhile, our month was peppered with celebrations.  Rachel turned 17, and we all went to Colorado Fondue.  During Spring Break, Steve, the girls, and I took a much-needed trip to St. Augustine.  March is home to multiple family and friends’ birthdays, including Hannah’s.  She turned 13 at the end of the month, and we celebrated with a family outing to Medieval Times and a dragon/medieval themed party with her friends.  Steve and I marked our 24th wedding anniversary, and Infinity was in full swing.

With the indoor percussion season drawing to a close and spring in the air, I am looking forward to the summer before us.  I just found out yesterday that next year’s marching band is set to run full swing beginning with upcoming percussion auditions and the traditional Spring Icebreaker.  Justin will March with the Boston Crusaders drum corp starting in July, and there is an in-person Percussion concert scheduled.  

The days are getting longer, but the years feel shorter.  It is good that the Lord is in charge of them all.  I struggle to understand the concepts of birth and death, making something out of nothing and ceasing to exist.  Though I believe in souls, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it right now.  It all feels so much deeper and personal now.  It reminds me of the verse I Corinthians 13:12 “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;  then we shall see face-to-face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

At Jan’s memorial service, our pastor encouraged us to lament our loss.  Lamenting is “a passionate expression of grief, often in music,  poetry, and song form” (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lament).   So, I find it a “God thing” that the verse on my mind is from the book of Lamentations.

God is faithful in bad times and good, in celebrations and in grief, in happiness and sadness, in sickness and in health.  Great is His faithfulness!

Why???? Because The Battle Belongs To The Lord

No matter how much we know that God's plans are greater than ours, we still question "Why?".  We can have all the faith in the world, but some things still cause us to wonder how such heartbreak can really be from such a good God.  We say "Oh, Poor Me!" or "Oh, Poor Them!".  We care, and it hurts.

I think that if we are looking and we are honest, we often find the answer to the "whys" later on.  If we still can't find the cause, we can usually find the effect.  We can see how God has worked intimately in the details to put us in just the right place at just the right time in just the right circumstance.  It doesn't always start with a positive, but it always ends that way.....eventually.

Sometimes we just aren't grown up enough to see the full picture, and quite frankly, we never will be fully grown until we reach heaven.  Just like a child, we question, because with our lack of experience, we only have limited perspective.  That is as it should be.  No one blames a child for his innocence, but celebrates both when the child trusts those wiser than him and when he reaches milestones of further understanding for himself.  God celebrates that in us.

I wonder "Why?" a lot, but I don't question that God has a plan.  Am I deep down angry? Yes, but it doesn't change anything.  We are called to keep on keeping on, to take the next right step.  Sometimes, we are so broken that we don't know how to start.  In this I say two things:  Get quiet, get alone, and get real with God.  Share your hurt, and allow him to draw you near.  Let the agony out.  This might mean tears, screams, pillow punches, running.....just keep it safe for yourself and others.  When you are worn out, your heart can begin to heal, to hear the still, small voice of the One who loves you more than anything.  

It's not so much about answers as it is about feeling understood enough to put truth at the forefront.  It is a discussion that starts with pain and ends with peace.  Circumstances haven't changed, but demons have been battled and the victory belongs to the Lord.  This doesn't mean that the grief, sadness, depression, anger.... will not return.  It means that it has been pushed back.  It will be a battle again and again.

Secondly, let the routine drive you.  Sometimes, we just feel dead inside.  We know that we will feel better, but for now, life just feels too much.  This is when we do the next right thing.  We get up and feed our hungry kids.  We start a load of laundry.  We go to work or school.  In doing these things, we move forward.  We have a sense of normalcy and a good dose of "heavy work".  In due time, the fog lifts and the mood passes.  It is imperative that we do not let ourselves become stuck in depression.  Sometimes no one around us will understand.  Other times they will be just what we need.  Often, they just don't have the patience for it anymore.  We are strong.  We can rise above it.  His mercies are new every morning.  You are equipped.  

Father God, we don't know why.  We ache inside, and we long to feel better.  We ask that You would bind these demons against us and fill us with Your Holy Spirit that we might know Your truth and Your peace.  Hold us in Your loving arms and care for us as only You can.  Then, give us the strength to carry on day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute.  Remind us to do the next right thing, that this season is just a season, that it will get better because that's how life works.  Teach us how to love others, because we have been loved.  Teach us to how to understand others, because we have been understood.  Teach us how to have compassion, because YOU have been compassionate with us.  Amen

Romans 8:26-39 (NIV)

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whoⁱ have been called according to His purpose. 

29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 

34Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 

35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?36As it is written:  “For your sake we face death all day long;  we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 

38For I am convinced that 

neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future, 

nor any powers, 

39neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalms

I feel like I think the psalmist felt when they cried out in anguish to God.  I feel broken and I'm so scared of death.  It will be better in the morning, at least after a while.  But, for now, my heart just hurts......

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

This is one of my favorite songs.  I realize tonight how much it is talking about the peace that comes in going to heaven.  My heart is heavy remembering some of my friends who have left this earth and knowing that loss will continue......This is for you....my distributed church in heaven.....love you all!

http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-will-rise-live-chris-tomlin-ml-video-dpg.htm

Chris Tomlin

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I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, it is well

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise

Theres a day thats drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing  

Worthy is the Lamb

And I hear the cry of every longing heart

Worthy is the Lamb

And I hear the voice of many angels sing 

Worthy is the Lamb

And I hear the cry of every longing heart

Worthy is the Lamb

(You are worthy, You are worthy)

Worthy is the Lamb

 I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagle's wings

Before my God, fall on my knees

And rise, I will rise, I will rise

Read more: Chris Tomlin - I Will Rise Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Grief, Loss, Regret: That Punch in the Gut Moment

I had one of those "punch in the gut" moments last night where all of a sudden it entered my consciousness that my Grandma was really dead.  For me, this is a normal part of the grieving process.  I will start to have more and more normal life moments and less and less sadness.  Then, all of a sudden, POW!  It hits you like a ton of bricks that the loss isn't a dream, but reality.  The bad situation is in fact one you have to deal with.  The regret is real. 

A simple thing might trigger the thought process, an association or memory.  Sometimes, it is anticipating an event and realizing that a loved one won't be there or a hope for someone isn't going to happen.  Life has changed, and even though you knew it all along, the sudden reminder is startling. 

Then, life picks up again and the grief takes a backseat to the busyness.  It's always there, though.  The memories fade, but they don't disappear.  They are too important.  The pain lessens......until the next punch. 

Psalm 28:1-2, 6-8

To you I call, O Lord my Rock;  do not turn a deaf ear to me.  For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.  Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place. 

Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy.  The Lord is my strength and my shield;  my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.  The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.

You Can Count on God

And He knows your name.

And He's always the same.

No matter how life may change,

You can count on God.

This is the chorus of a song that I wrote in the heartache of watching, through Facebook and weekly church updates, the journey of an old friend. My friend is from when our church was small. We were part of the original youth group. His dad is still the pastor. I don't know him much now, but I have a daughter only a few months older than his. Except,

he and his wife lost their daughter. They discovered her brain tumor, shared with all of us, demonstrated incredible faith, and said goodbye all in ten short weeks. It was heartbreaking and amazing all at once. God used them.

But....I still cried. I'm still sad. I was scared.

One night when the pain was deep, in the throes of their journey, a song came to my heart. I never quite got the verses (or maybe I threw them away), but the chorus remains. It speaks truth, a truth I discovered in an earlier life valley. It is a truth I continue to hold on to.

I bring back these words because, since then, his brother, also a youth group buddy (my little sister's age) has died. This time it was by choice. I still grieve.

Yet, their family still shines as an example of faithfulness. Ironically, it was their mom that taught me about the book of Job in the Bible.

Today, I am sad because yet another youth group friend has died. I'm not even sure what happened or what had become of him in the last 20+ years. I do know that in high school, I saw Christ in him and looked up to him. He used the resources given to him to include people and was one of the few I called friend. After high school, I don't know if we would have been friends. I gather that my friend still did great things and loved people well. I am proud of that. I read that maybe he made choices I would have disagreed with, and I wish that he could have been the man of God that I dreamed him to be (maybe he was, I really don't know). I grieve for my friends that were closer with him than I, and I am saddened that we, as a society, seem to miss that the people who are most charismatic and giving to others are also hurting and in need of support.

Today, I mourn my youth and the loss of innocence.

So, right this moment, I continue to "count on God", because I have realized that He's truly all I have to count on. I've had great, giving, faithful people in my life and continue to do so.

But.....life changes.......