New Seasons

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

We have been going through a very trying time in our home.  The past few months have exhausted us as my husband’s mom, Jan, underwent surgery, recovery, and finally went to be the the Lord on March 10.  I’ve known her since I was 18, and got to know so many neat things about her life over the last few months.  She had Alzheimer’s disease, and it was painful to watch as she slipped away from us.  It was frustrating and took a lot of time and energy, mostly from my husband and his sister.  I helped more toward the end, and it makes the loss even more profound.  There’s a lot to reflect on and many stages of grief to cycle through over and over agin.  I feel so bad for Steve, and I personally am experiencing the loss so much more than I ever would have expected.

To add to that, a few days before her death, our youngest, Hannah, discovered our bird dying, likely from flying and falling.  It was devastating and traumatic, and is still haunting her.  I usually have Steve hold a dying pet, but it happened precisely as he was about to meet with Hospice across town to sign over his mother’s care, so I earned a new motherhood badge that day.

Meanwhile, our month was peppered with celebrations.  Rachel turned 17, and we all went to Colorado Fondue.  During Spring Break, Steve, the girls, and I took a much-needed trip to St. Augustine.  March is home to multiple family and friends’ birthdays, including Hannah’s.  She turned 13 at the end of the month, and we celebrated with a family outing to Medieval Times and a dragon/medieval themed party with her friends.  Steve and I marked our 24th wedding anniversary, and Infinity was in full swing.

With the indoor percussion season drawing to a close and spring in the air, I am looking forward to the summer before us.  I just found out yesterday that next year’s marching band is set to run full swing beginning with upcoming percussion auditions and the traditional Spring Icebreaker.  Justin will March with the Boston Crusaders drum corp starting in July, and there is an in-person Percussion concert scheduled.  

The days are getting longer, but the years feel shorter.  It is good that the Lord is in charge of them all.  I struggle to understand the concepts of birth and death, making something out of nothing and ceasing to exist.  Though I believe in souls, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it right now.  It all feels so much deeper and personal now.  It reminds me of the verse I Corinthians 13:12 “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;  then we shall see face-to-face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

At Jan’s memorial service, our pastor encouraged us to lament our loss.  Lamenting is “a passionate expression of grief, often in music,  poetry, and song form” (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lament).   So, I find it a “God thing” that the verse on my mind is from the book of Lamentations.

God is faithful in bad times and good, in celebrations and in grief, in happiness and sadness, in sickness and in health.  Great is His faithfulness!

I'll see you in heaven......

Well, it seems that another influential person of my past has joined Jesus in heaven far too young and far too tragically.  If we are to be truthful, all of us are here for a season, and God has planned out and numbered each of our days.  His perfection is not limited by our imperfection.  Pastor Orlando Rivera was killed in a car accident early morning on Memorial Day.  He was only 52 and left behind a large family and legacy.  I haven't seen him in a very long time, but in coming upon his picture, his friendly and caring personality came right back to me.  He was a pastor at my church during an influential time in my life.  I don't remember how long he was there, but know it was in high school and beyond.   
I remember seeing him working in a Chick-Fil-A sometime when my children were young.  I believe he was a pastor for another church at that time.  It was probably the last time I saw him.  I remember that he and his wife were the first interracial couple that I ever knew.  I think that they moved to the Parramore area to live in a neighborhood that was scary to be near but desperately needed to experience God's love.  I think that many, if not all, of their many children are adopted.  I could be wrong as it's been a long time, but I find it interesting that seeing a photograph of his smiling face brings back the dynamic and inclusive person that he was.  I pray for his family, not because they can't survive, for I am certain that their strength comes from the Lord.  I pray because it is hard to lose someone, but even harder to not be able to say goodbye.  It is a very real fear of mine.

I am thankful to have known these people that now wait for me in heaven......Grandpa and Grandma Carlson, Grandpa Lehn, Ava, Isaac, Chad, Grandma Lehn, Angie's Dad, and now Orlando.  I also found out that two very special friends of mine that stuck with me through the toddler and preschool years with my oldest, have both lost their husbands.  One friend was happily married and lost her husband very quickly to brain cancer.  The other friend had remarried, but has two daughters who lost their father instantly (I believe also in a wrong way collision, like Orlando).  

Unbelievable.  It is amazing to me how many have died so young.  I find it comforting to think that we are developing a personal distributed church in heaven.  Hold on to your faith, for it truly is the only constant that you will ever have.  I write without revision, because the sadness is fresh and the shock is real.  Even while God has protected me personally by distancing me through the years from those that have been taken away, others have not been so lucky.  Maybe they are just in a different place, though, with different strengths and different things to learn.  

Caring is hard no matter what.  Being vulnerable enough to love results in great joy AND great pain.  Bravo to those that keep their eyes fixed on Jesus and are willing to risk loving.  

Matthew 5:4. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Go in HIS peace........

Psalms

I feel like I think the psalmist felt when they cried out in anguish to God.  I feel broken and I'm so scared of death.  It will be better in the morning, at least after a while.  But, for now, my heart just hurts......

Grief, Loss, Regret: That Punch in the Gut Moment

I had one of those "punch in the gut" moments last night where all of a sudden it entered my consciousness that my Grandma was really dead.  For me, this is a normal part of the grieving process.  I will start to have more and more normal life moments and less and less sadness.  Then, all of a sudden, POW!  It hits you like a ton of bricks that the loss isn't a dream, but reality.  The bad situation is in fact one you have to deal with.  The regret is real. 

A simple thing might trigger the thought process, an association or memory.  Sometimes, it is anticipating an event and realizing that a loved one won't be there or a hope for someone isn't going to happen.  Life has changed, and even though you knew it all along, the sudden reminder is startling. 

Then, life picks up again and the grief takes a backseat to the busyness.  It's always there, though.  The memories fade, but they don't disappear.  They are too important.  The pain lessens......until the next punch. 

Psalm 28:1-2, 6-8

To you I call, O Lord my Rock;  do not turn a deaf ear to me.  For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.  Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place. 

Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy.  The Lord is my strength and my shield;  my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.  The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.