Mary

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.

I miss my friend.  Mary was one of the “originals” in our neighborhood.  We were phase 2 in a new subdivision, a couple of years into marriage and welcoming a son within the year.  Mary was newly divorced and had two young daughters, Chrissy and Brittany.  Brittany was only 4 or 5, and Chrissy was about 9 or so.  We watched all of the school age kids gather at the bus stop at the corner and later joined in with our kids, one by one.  

Mary worked hard, really hard.  She took pride in living within her means and turning random pieces and “trash” into treasure.  We shared a love of creativity and craft stores, and later on, when she went to work for our county school system, would exchange tales.  

Mostly, Mary was our outside neighbor.  We’d strike up a conversation at the mailbox at the end of my driveway or while out doing yard work.  We shared a next door neighbor and watched as families moved in and out of the neighborhood over the years.  We have the same model house except flipped.  Mary would often call on Steve for help with something or to ask his opinion.  She was invested in taking care of her property and always tried to follow the HOA covenants even when others didn’t.  You wanted to be on her good side, and fortunately, we were.

Not many “originals” remain.  23 years have passed as our family has grown from just Steve and me to include 3 children and numerous pets.  Mary’s daughters are grown but never far, and they have been the light of her life. 

When I was diagnosed with colon cancer four years ago, Mary told me about her own battle beating stage 4 colon cancer 10 years (give or take) prior.  Our shared neighbors had moved in 2017 after living there the longest of anyone and being a second family, especially to our youngest.  Mary was a mentor as I navigated the transition of almost grown and adult children.  She loved taking care of her yard and always had the nicest, well-kept landscaping.  And she decorated for all the holidays.  We loved Miss Mary.

In June of 2021, Mary was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer which had metastasized to her liver.  She never talked about it being a death sentence but instead determined to do everything she could to live the longest she could for her girls.  Brittany was newly married and had bought a house with her husband, and Chrissy was in a secure relationship.  Chemotherapy was rough on Mary, but she endured, and was able to have some in-between time where she was actually able to get out some and “be normal”.  When Chrissy got engaged, it became her goal to make it to the wedding.  She hosted the bridal shower, helped pick the venue, and created flowers and centerpieces for decorations.  It was like she was coming alive again.  

Alas, her numbers began to rise and chemo became necessary again.  She didn’t tolerate it as well this time and became weaker and weaker.  I cried when she asked me to witness the signing of her will, and SHE comforted ME.  She prepared, but didn’t act as if that’s what she was doing, at least not to me.  I was so thankful to have our normal “Miss Mary”.

I didn’t see much of Mary as she got weaker and it got hotter, but I hoped she might be outside again soon.  I didn’t see her as her body started to shut down, but her daughter had moved in and told me a few weeks ago that she was doing ok and over at her sister’s house.

Mary passed away at home at 1 a.m. this past Monday morning, almost 48 hours after her sister called us to say that it might only be another couple of hours.  So, we got to say goodbye.  And I truly believe that she was trying to communicate with us, both verbally and with head nods and a hand squeeze.  I am thankful for that and promised her to watch over her girls and house.

The best part of this story is that Mary insisted that her daughter get her longed-for October wedding, and was able to enjoy and participate in it, even walking Chrissy down the aisle, only the week before.  Chrissy had her wedding on a beautiful Sunday, days after a hurricane, and Mary was proudly showing one of our other original neighbors pictures on her phone on Monday.  Only then would she allow her body to shut down.  We praise God for that timing, that Mary and her daughter could have that wedding.  I told her I was going to be looking at those pictures, and I’m pretty sure that she understood.

I’m in shock.  I miss her so much.

Perspective

Weeds or Wishes?

Every definition of the word "perspective" means "to look" in some way.  In the visual arts, this might mean creating an illusion, so that what is seen is somehow different than what is.  In our interactions with other people, it means realizing that you are looking at something based on your own situation and background, whereas someone else has a different group of people they are looking out for and different experiences to draw from. As parents, it is absolutely our responsibility to advocate for what we feel is best for our kid.  No doubt.  However, it is also important to teach them how to consider other points of view and to consider other points of view ourselves.  Truth is not always cut and dry.  It is clouded by the eyes of those who see it.  It is viewed through the lens of experiences and personality.

What is your viewpoint?

  

   In my world….

  …a marching show looks completely different from the top of a stadium vs. closer to the field.

  …men and women, guys and girls have different ways of communicating and interacting.

…parents have children with different needs at different stages of life.

…some people gain energy by being around other people;  others need time to themselves to recharge.

Seeing with perspective doesn’t always change the way we ultimately believe a situation should play out, and there are times that we will have to fight hard for what we think is right. But, compassion goes a long way.  Having feelings validated allows people to connect and communicate.  It takes away the “fight or flight” in the situation.  It listens.  

 

I Corinthians 13:8-13

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

New Seasons

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

We have been going through a very trying time in our home.  The past few months have exhausted us as my husband’s mom, Jan, underwent surgery, recovery, and finally went to be the the Lord on March 10.  I’ve known her since I was 18, and got to know so many neat things about her life over the last few months.  She had Alzheimer’s disease, and it was painful to watch as she slipped away from us.  It was frustrating and took a lot of time and energy, mostly from my husband and his sister.  I helped more toward the end, and it makes the loss even more profound.  There’s a lot to reflect on and many stages of grief to cycle through over and over agin.  I feel so bad for Steve, and I personally am experiencing the loss so much more than I ever would have expected.

To add to that, a few days before her death, our youngest, Hannah, discovered our bird dying, likely from flying and falling.  It was devastating and traumatic, and is still haunting her.  I usually have Steve hold a dying pet, but it happened precisely as he was about to meet with Hospice across town to sign over his mother’s care, so I earned a new motherhood badge that day.

Meanwhile, our month was peppered with celebrations.  Rachel turned 17, and we all went to Colorado Fondue.  During Spring Break, Steve, the girls, and I took a much-needed trip to St. Augustine.  March is home to multiple family and friends’ birthdays, including Hannah’s.  She turned 13 at the end of the month, and we celebrated with a family outing to Medieval Times and a dragon/medieval themed party with her friends.  Steve and I marked our 24th wedding anniversary, and Infinity was in full swing.

With the indoor percussion season drawing to a close and spring in the air, I am looking forward to the summer before us.  I just found out yesterday that next year’s marching band is set to run full swing beginning with upcoming percussion auditions and the traditional Spring Icebreaker.  Justin will March with the Boston Crusaders drum corp starting in July, and there is an in-person Percussion concert scheduled.  

The days are getting longer, but the years feel shorter.  It is good that the Lord is in charge of them all.  I struggle to understand the concepts of birth and death, making something out of nothing and ceasing to exist.  Though I believe in souls, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it right now.  It all feels so much deeper and personal now.  It reminds me of the verse I Corinthians 13:12 “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;  then we shall see face-to-face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

At Jan’s memorial service, our pastor encouraged us to lament our loss.  Lamenting is “a passionate expression of grief, often in music,  poetry, and song form” (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lament).   So, I find it a “God thing” that the verse on my mind is from the book of Lamentations.

God is faithful in bad times and good, in celebrations and in grief, in happiness and sadness, in sickness and in health.  Great is His faithfulness!

Looking Back

I haven’t written in quite a while for a couple of reasons.  I’ve diverted my attention elsewhere (mostly crafting and visiting Dollar Tree 😂)) and haven’t really known what to say.  It is a very stressful and divisive time in our world, a time with a lot of lose-lose situations.  I find that as I have analyzed and  evaluated various decisions and opinions that sometimes both “sides” are right AND both “sides” are wrong.  People like to believe that their way is the only way, but the reality so many times isn’t even in the middle.  It’s just not there.  We live in an imperfect world and are imperfect people, but this year seems even harder.  It has clearly pointed out that we are all coming from unique places, yet fighting common battles.  It is hard for us to listen to each other and see “all sides of the coin”.  When we do, we realize that little is “black and white”.  There is always something else to consider, and oftentimes that means that there is never truly a “right” way.

My niece asked a very wise and innocent question of my sister recently.  She wondered, “Mom, what’s the least important job?”  Sarah couldn’t really come up with an answer, and neither could I the next day.  It’s an interesting question, I realized, because one, it depends on what you value and like, and two, every job in some way contributes to the livelihood of other jobs.  So, if posed as a personal question that affects your life, you might be able to answer this thought provoking question, but if phrased as this eight year old did, the answer is “none”.

So, if you’ve made it this far, I’ll tell you the real reason I started to write tonight.  My oldest child will be 21 tomorrow.  Unbelievable.  This weekend, an amazing thing happened.  My husband happened to have a  VCR arrive at the house.  He’s been wanting to find one for a while so that he could watch his senior video from high school.  Ironically, he had finally just obtained one, and pulled out one of the other few videocassettes still in our possession - Justin’s first and second birthdays.  Wow, almost exactly 20 (and 19) years ago to the day.  My “baby boy” right before my eyes again.  My mother’s heart is so full.  💜

Blessings,

Jenny