Validated

I think that one of the things that we struggle with the most as people is our need for validation.  As individuals, we have been created uniquely, for specific purposes.  Yet, we constantly compare ourselves to each other and feel that either we are falling short, or that we must compete to prove our worth.  Instead of accepting that we need other people and they need us, we fight against the very idea and allow hatred and jealousy to breed in our hearts.

I am very guilty of this, and I seriously doubt that there is anyone who is not.  Why?  Because we are inherently sinful and self-centered.   AND.....because we are MADE for relationships.  The war within us rages like a tug-of-war between a single, solitary focus on personal survival and the desire and need to connect with those around us.

How then do we achieve a balance between the preservation of self and the interdependence necessary for  a fulfilling existence?  I am convinced that the solution is simple in theory but complex in execution.  The answer lies at the root of metaphors told time and again.  Perhaps, Tom Rath tells it best in his book, “How Full Is Your Bucket For Kids”.  The basic concept is that everyone has a bucket that when filled allows us to be our best because we feel our best.  Our emotional needs have been met.  On the other hand, a depleted bucket represents the heart of a person who has had all of their positive self-worth taken away one dipperful after another and never has been refilled.

We don’t even realize that we need to be filled in order to be fulfilled.  In other words, everyone NEEDS validation -again and again.  They NEED to be told what they are doing right, that they are noticed, and that their contributions MATTER.  It is IMPERATIVE that we are purposeful in building each other up as well as refraining from tearing each other down, because what has been proven again and again is that when we feel better, we act better.

The bottom line is that we THINK that everybody else has it all together, but really, they don’t.  If  we start to look outside our own frustrations and problems, we will start to notice that others DO need our encouragement, and in that, WE will be encouraged.

Be intentional about celebrating others.  You probably are making more of a difference than you will ever know.

#BadassandBeautiful2020

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.  Not a big one, but enough that I am feeling like I am closer to the end of my life than the beginning.  I'm guessing that it's a natural thing to consider when you are starting to have children closer to adulthood than preschool.  Add aging parents to the mix, and you are desperate for the hope you had in your 20's.  You realize that your health as a senior isn't guaranteed and that your years of retirement may or may not be long and prosperous.  It makes you want to make the most of today, and it makes you jealous of those at a younger stage of life.

My journey is causing me to act ridiculously but with positive outcomes.  Like most Americans, our family loves to binge on Netflix, Prime, and when "necessary", Hulu, CBS Access, and other streaming services.  Lately, we've even resorted to using our DVR and (gasp) buying a season from Amazon.  My husband and I bond this way, obsessively making our way through one show at a time-  Law and Order, Hawaii 5-0, Quantico, FBI, Blacklist, and finally the NCIS franchise.  Everytime, we fall in love with the characters, the stories, the theme song.....

In some ways, we relate to Kensi and Deeks (NCIS LA) the most.  It isn't so much what had happened in the past with their characters, but more about who they are to each other.  As their story develops, it becomes more and more evident that these two individuals share much more than an attraction for each other.  They have each other's back.  They rely on each other and take care of each other in the best and darkest of days.  They playfully banter and enjoy each other and ultimately realize that it is only with each other that they are "safe".  It is like that with Steve and me.

One day, deep into the NCIS LA binge, we were stuck away from the house and couldn't watch our show.  As I waited impatiently to get my next fix of what was clearly becoming an addiction, (Don't even laugh-I know you've been there...), I thought, "Well, I guess I can look up the actors and see who they really are."  It was then that I discovered that Daniela Ruah, who plays Kensi, actually married her on-screen partner's (Eric Christian Olsen) brother, David Paul Olsen.  Dave is Eric's stunt double.  Go figure.

https://www.facebook.com/enews/videos/special-agent-kensi-blye-and-marty-deeks-are-getting-married/271585543759662/ 

We can't forget LLCool J, Chris O'Donnell,
Renee Felice Smith, and Barrett Foa!

I would later learn that apparently Eric is married to another actress, Sarah Wright Olsen, and both families get along really well, have 6 year old boys and 3 year old girls, and live and vacation in some gorgeous places, places I'd never been and really knew nothing about even though they were in the United States.  I think what really attracted me, though, is the way that these actors portray themselves in real life.  They are caring, involved parents that have put their families ahead of their careers.  They are super proud of their children and love their spouses.  They are grateful for their fans and gentle, smart, kind,vulnerable, and humble.  They grew up living mostly "ordinary" lives in "ordinary" places, and that gives me hope and makes me want to break out of my own "ordinary" life and be noticed.

Linda Hunt

I want to be like Kensi.  I want to be like Daniela.  I want to be badass and beautiful.

So, yes, I'm acting pathetically like a starstruck teenager in many ways, looking for any and everything about my celebrity "crushes", but I'm also inspired.  I want to be strong again, stronger than ever before.  So, I'm exercising and making very slightly (can't do it all at once) better choices about my diet.  I'm setting goals and amazingly, wearing makeup and taking care of my skin almost every day instead of always letting it go.  I'm clearing out my wardrobe and treating myself to new things.

It has its peaks and valleys.  Yesterday, I was coming out of a valley.  But, I want to be strong.  I want to do things I normally wouldn't, like paintball and target practice.  I want to be able to run.

I really love my life, but I am tired of being a slave to my health issues.  I am tired of anemia, and anxiety, and depression.  I am tired of being weak and having no energy.  I am tired of surgery and checkups.  So, I'm declaring it #BadAssandBeautiful2020 if only to keep to my goals.  I'm too young to fall apart.

I'll probably never be a federal agent (well, they aren't either technically), but I can pick myself up again and again and not let my stumbles keep me down.  God didn't make me to be that way.  He cares about me even when I can't care about myself.  He gives me strength when I am weak.  He gives me hope when I feel hopeless.  He is the Rock on which I stand.

Isaiah 40:29  "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Thanksgiving - Choosing Blessings in the Unexpected

Sorry it took me so long to update, but these surgeries have kicked my butt.  Note that I said "surgeries", as in more than one.  So, the quick laparoscopic, probably 3 days in the hospital surgery was done on October 18th.  My ascending colon (and that pesky cancer) was removed, and later found out the fantastic, awesome, amazing, terrific news that out of 25 lymph nodes removed, NOT ONE had any cancer involvement.

For the twist, I was told this news to cheer me up as I had to go back into the operating room on the 22nd to figure out what ultimately was a small leak in the join and required a midline incision and ileostomy.  Finally, that wound became infected, so is taking a bit longer to heal.

So, after two weeks in the hospital, I have been home for 15 days.  I am still majorly down for the count, but recovering more each day and so grateful for victory over cancer.  God has said yes, no, maybe, wait, and watch, and I am both patient and intensely frustrated with those answers.  But, overall, I am in a good place and forever aware and grateful for the abundance of love and support I continue to be shown.

So, I know that we don't always get what we expect, don't know what to expect or get what we want. And quite frankly, we aren't always guaranteed to want what we thought we wanted.  So, I encourage you this week to think about what it must have been like for two groups of people, the Pilgrims and the Indians (Native Americans), to have their lives interrupted by each other in a big way.  Some of the Colonists and Indians chose to help and befriend each other, to come together each bringing their own strengths and helping the other overcome his weaknesses.  Other settlers warred with those they encountered, demanding their own way and fighting for what they wanted.

What will be your choice for the unexpected situations in your life?  Decide now, because you never know what is going to happen next.

Hugs and many thanks for the surrounding of your prayers.  It has been clearly evident to me that I am lifted up, and it makes all the difference.

Good News and Bad News

Well, I can't say that the last month has been boring.  It has, in fact, been filled with mostly really good news.


For instance, Justin made World Class for Infinity.  That was his goal and is the highest level in Indoor Percussion.  We are so happy for him.  Stay tuned for more news as the season starts in January.



We're also super excited about the Christmas 2019 tour that the Hagerty Band announced.  Rachel has been doing a stellar job learning the marimba part for the marching show.  As a Freshman, it is a real honor to already have the opportunity of playing this instrument.  She (and I) are adjusting well to this thing called high school.  (Ok, I'll admit it....you already know it was me that needed all the help adjusting, lol).


Steve got a great promotion and is already traveling and being challenged and recognized as a valuable member of his team.  The extra money is never a bad thing either :-).


The only bad thing (aside from the inconvenience of Steve getting his wallet stolen from the latest round of car break-ins in our neighborhood) has been my cancer diagnosis.  Even that has been riddled with great news and extremely evident of God's perfect placement of many previous events.  Long story short, I have been undergoing treatment and monitoring for anemia for almost the last three years.  It has been frustrating, because I am a puzzling case with borderline problems and unknown findings.  First, I had an iron deficiency, then abscesses and a fistula, and now in continuing to search for a cause have found colorectal cancer.  Fortunately, the doctor seems to think that it is a small and slow-growing tumor and very treatable.  It is possible that tomorrow's surgery will be the only inconvenience beside closer continued monitoring.  However, the final staging won't be for a couple of more weeks when lymph node involvement can be determined/ruled out.  Even then, chemotherapy is not supposed to be riddled with side effects and is likely time in a comfortable chair with an iv, something that I am used to and comfortable with because of my previous iron infusions.


Here are just some of the God Things I am noticing:


1.  My sister was a physician recruiter at her old job and recruited my surgeon.  He is top-notch.
2.  I have already had numerous procedures under anesthesia, including 4 in the last 16-17 months which required similar recovery periods.  Truthfully, I am anxious to see how hard this will hit me, and the not knowing is one of the most aggravating things to me right now.  Guess I get to learn some more patience and letting go.
3.  I already have been going to an oncologist (because he is also my hematologist) and am used to being poked and prodded and given infusions.
4.  I wasn't supposed to have a colonoscopy for at least another 2 1/2 years.  It was gentle nudging from two of my doctors and my speaking up to a third that allowed this to be found so early.
5.  I had an identical CT with contrast almost exactly 2 years ago which has allowed my doctors to have comparison data.
6.  My husband works at home and already is very involved with taking care of our family.
7.  My children are older and more capable of taking care of things like cooking and laundry.  Justin is in college now and home at 11 am Monday through Thursday and off on Friday.  This will help a lot when he is able to pick up his sisters or run to the store. 
8.  I have an incredibly loving and supportive network of family and friends which has already made this a lot less stressful and helped me to focus on the positive.
9.  Because of my many doctors' appointments especially with the hematologist/oncologist, I understand how much worse this could be and have also made friends and realize what an opportunity this is to spread the joy of the Lord.
10.  All of this is possible because of my faith in Jesus which was nurtured from a very early age.
11.  In high school, I helped with a student Bible study on the book of Job.  That is where I get much of my inspiration for his situation.
12.  Sadly, many others have gone before me in tragedy.  Many have been much less "lucky", yet their families continue to stay faithful.  They endured the loss but chose to lean in to God rather than isolate Him.  What a wonderful example.

Honestly, I'm scared and not scared.  I know who goes before me, but I also know that I want His will to be done and not my own.  I beg Him to say yes to me, just as Jesus asked the Father to spare him death on a cross.  But.....Your will be done.

I'm planning for my future, but I have learned to enjoy the moment.

Thanks for praying for me.

Jenny

P.S.  I am vulnerable in hopes that it might be an encouragement to someone someday.  Please share.