Teens and Young Adults; Transition and Technology

Our young adult children are less confident than we think.  The teen and young adult years have always been filled with anxiety as guys and girls, filled with a sudden and powerful rush of hormones, are catapulted into scenarios they’ve never encountered before.  The drive for independence that is flipped on whispers to them that they are alone in tackling these missions and that they should know everything they need to do so.  They are let loose in situations much bigger than they have been expected to navigate in the past.  No more is the security of only one or two classrooms and teachers and bragging rights as the most experienced students in elementary school.  No more is the car line an orderly process with strict procedures.  No longer is their entire life orchestrated for them.  Now, there are decisions.  Choices.  Freedom.  And the very people that they need advice from, their bodies are telling them to push away.  A necessary evil for parent and child, yes.  But easy?  No.

As all of the other teens and young adults are going through similar experiences, the chaos is magnified.  The process of finding one’s place in a “society” where every member is at a different place of this very difficult journey, results in an explosion of emotion that causes both inner and outer conflicts.  Everyone wants to feel accepted and affirmed, to belong.  Yet, in the process, as is inherent in the imperfection of every individual, they step on each other in an effort to elevate themselves.  Some are able to engage long enough in the scuffle to move up and down the social ladder, while others bottom out and get trampled.  

Meanwhile, as societal advances continue, the good of such enhancements is often outweighed by the negative progress that comes as a direct result.  A virtual world is faster, more efficient, and incredibly comprehensive, but that is also just the problem.  When we eliminate the process, we often eliminate the learning that accompanies it.  When we learn to expect the instantaneous, we grow impatient and fail to realize that goals and visions take time and a whole lot of effort to come to fruition.  Without tangible coins and bills, paper billing, and checkbooks to balance, there is little connection made between risks and benefit, costs and value.  We don’t fully solidify the link between hard work and survival or enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done.  Are these lessons completely lost?  Absolutely not, but they also affect how we work and how we relate to others.  When a two year old knows how to ask a machine for information, a teen or young adult has trouble understanding how to think for themselves.  They miss the process, the “doing” that transmits information into long-term memory and the opportunity to learn the emotional regulation necessary to work through frustration. 

The result is impulsiveness, and to a brain that is still learning to think before it acts, the risk of consequences is magnified.  There are no longer boundaries on the input that may enter young people’s minds, complicating the very natural process of determining one’s place in this world.  With constant input, there is not rest, and with greater efficiency comes higher expectations for round the clock results.  This is starting in schools, and while much of technology is positive, it is blurring the line between work, school, and home.  Again, our rest is constrained, and our time together as families is more and more interrupted.  

Today’s technology has brought us closer together and farther apart almost simultaneously.  It draws so many people into our lives that it can be hard to determine which ones to pay more attention to and which ones to filter out.  Advertisements sneak their way onto our screens distracting us from our intended tasks and communications.  Biased news and opinionated comments disguise themselves as fact, and smiling faces and proud reports of loved ones’ accomplishments trick our minds into thinking that we are seeing the whole picture of others’ lives.  

Being bombarded with such messages has proven to be responsible for increased depression and anxiety, and that’s not just with teens.  Teens and young adults add that to an already overwhelming time of identity crisis and fierce physical change.  So, give them a break.  There’s a lot behind their words and actions.  Read between the lines.  Be their safe place.  They need you.  They want you.  But, they also are trying to grow up.  And that’s a very difficult balance to strike.  

Christmas Reflections

Jenny, Steve, Rachel, Hannah, and Justin

I am sharing some thoughts I had as I composed my Christmas letter this year.  Even though Christmas is now over, life isn’t, and these words still hold true.  Let’s all think of at least one thing that was a blessing for us this holiday season, and count that as a win.  My biggest blessing is Christmas morning.  All five of us were once again around the tree taking turns passing out gifts that we had all picked for each other.  The preciousness of not only being together but being happy and enjoying each other, my children demonstrating thoughtfulness and generosity to each member of our family, proves to me that I have indeed done something right as a mom.  

I personally know people that are really grieving this year, experiencing a loss, a hole in their Christmas.  As a person who both hates change and has experienced loss, I understand not the specifics of your situation, but the overwhelming uncertainty and sadness you must feel, and I hurt for you and with you.  I pray that someday, somehow, you will see how this piece of your life has been shaped to fit into the bigger picture.  I hope that by this time next year, you are starting to heal, but recognize that you will always bear scars and that specific things will trigger your memories and cause you to grieve all over again.  May the God of comfort hold you  tight and reassure you that you are safe..  It gets better, and sometime soon, you will better know how to lift someone else up.  

Christmas Reflections 2022

Sometimes, it is hard to believe that it is already December again. I remember being a kid and how long it seemed to take to get to Christmas, and now I seem to worry that we won’t have enough time to do all the things I want to do. I wonder how long the journey to Bethlehem felt for Mary and Joseph. Speaking of wondering, I wonder what Mary’s pregnancy was like. I wonder how Mary and Joseph felt when they realized that they had left Jesus behind at the temple or if they ever lost their temper with him. I wonder if Jesus ever got sick or sad and reached out to his parents for support or advice. I wonder if Mary missed Jesus being little as he grew up. We never seem to think about these aspects of the Holy Family’s life. The closest I’ve gotten is when Justin was born 23 years ago, and I had a newborn at Christmastime. I finally understood what the Bible meant when it said in Luke 19:2, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” I wonder what the next few years will hold and about a million other things that I can’t see. This year has shown me just a little more that our journey as parents won’t end just because our children grow up, because God has told us in His Story, the Bible, that “(So) God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27. And that means that we have been modeled with the very traits and characteristics (DNA, if you will) of God. We’re far from the perfection that is God, but as we grow, we have the capability to, with the help of the Holy Spirit, become more and more like Him every day. And it also means that our hearts for our children love fiercely and want the very best for them. That doesn’t change no matter their age. Starting to let go and allowing your child to begin to leave the safety of your home and guidance isn’t easy, though. I wonder if God literally felt the intense emotions of letting go when He sent Jesus to the very imperfect Earth. I doubt he worried, as I am prone to do, because He knew the whole plan ahead of time. I wonder, though, if He felt not only proud of His Son but a little empty even as He knew Jesus was ready. I suppose “empty” might not really be how God the Father felt in all His perfection, but maybe Jesus experienced that feeling when He was here as 100% God, but also 100% man. We might say God the Father was “lucky” because He knew the whole story, that He could literally see the future and knew it would turn out alright. But, the reality is that so do WE . We don’t know the details, but we absolutely know the outcome. But, I’m human, and I need the Holy Spirit to whisper these truths to me often. I need to have a miraculous faith, a faith that’s supernatural and comes from God. I need to rely on the truth of God’s perfection, plan, faithfulness, and control, because I really CAN’T rely on anything else in this world. Life is tough. It’s full of great times and experiences, but it’s also hard. And it often feels unfair (kind of liking having to ride a donkey sideways all the way to Bethlehem for some stupid government edict while you’re nine months pregnant). But the more things I experience or see that make me feel like it’s just not fair, and what happened to ”If God is for us, who is against us?” (Romans 8:31), the more I have to remind myself that the answer lies in not knowing the whole plan, not being able to see the big picture. “For now, we see in a mirror indirectly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known. (I Corinthians 13:12) Life isn’t fair, because life is imperfection. Bad things happen. God allows them to happen. BUT . . .”(And) we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 So, remember….It’s not always fair, but it’s always just. It’s always just as it should be in God’s plan.  

Life’s not perfect, but God is. Celebrate His birth! 

 Merry Christmas and Happy 2023! 

Steve, Jenny, Justin, Rachel, and Hannah Denning

Mary

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.

I miss my friend.  Mary was one of the “originals” in our neighborhood.  We were phase 2 in a new subdivision, a couple of years into marriage and welcoming a son within the year.  Mary was newly divorced and had two young daughters, Chrissy and Brittany.  Brittany was only 4 or 5, and Chrissy was about 9 or so.  We watched all of the school age kids gather at the bus stop at the corner and later joined in with our kids, one by one.  

Mary worked hard, really hard.  She took pride in living within her means and turning random pieces and “trash” into treasure.  We shared a love of creativity and craft stores, and later on, when she went to work for our county school system, would exchange tales.  

Mostly, Mary was our outside neighbor.  We’d strike up a conversation at the mailbox at the end of my driveway or while out doing yard work.  We shared a next door neighbor and watched as families moved in and out of the neighborhood over the years.  We have the same model house except flipped.  Mary would often call on Steve for help with something or to ask his opinion.  She was invested in taking care of her property and always tried to follow the HOA covenants even when others didn’t.  You wanted to be on her good side, and fortunately, we were.

Not many “originals” remain.  23 years have passed as our family has grown from just Steve and me to include 3 children and numerous pets.  Mary’s daughters are grown but never far, and they have been the light of her life. 

When I was diagnosed with colon cancer four years ago, Mary told me about her own battle beating stage 4 colon cancer 10 years (give or take) prior.  Our shared neighbors had moved in 2017 after living there the longest of anyone and being a second family, especially to our youngest.  Mary was a mentor as I navigated the transition of almost grown and adult children.  She loved taking care of her yard and always had the nicest, well-kept landscaping.  And she decorated for all the holidays.  We loved Miss Mary.

In June of 2021, Mary was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer which had metastasized to her liver.  She never talked about it being a death sentence but instead determined to do everything she could to live the longest she could for her girls.  Brittany was newly married and had bought a house with her husband, and Chrissy was in a secure relationship.  Chemotherapy was rough on Mary, but she endured, and was able to have some in-between time where she was actually able to get out some and “be normal”.  When Chrissy got engaged, it became her goal to make it to the wedding.  She hosted the bridal shower, helped pick the venue, and created flowers and centerpieces for decorations.  It was like she was coming alive again.  

Alas, her numbers began to rise and chemo became necessary again.  She didn’t tolerate it as well this time and became weaker and weaker.  I cried when she asked me to witness the signing of her will, and SHE comforted ME.  She prepared, but didn’t act as if that’s what she was doing, at least not to me.  I was so thankful to have our normal “Miss Mary”.

I didn’t see much of Mary as she got weaker and it got hotter, but I hoped she might be outside again soon.  I didn’t see her as her body started to shut down, but her daughter had moved in and told me a few weeks ago that she was doing ok and over at her sister’s house.

Mary passed away at home at 1 a.m. this past Monday morning, almost 48 hours after her sister called us to say that it might only be another couple of hours.  So, we got to say goodbye.  And I truly believe that she was trying to communicate with us, both verbally and with head nods and a hand squeeze.  I am thankful for that and promised her to watch over her girls and house.

The best part of this story is that Mary insisted that her daughter get her longed-for October wedding, and was able to enjoy and participate in it, even walking Chrissy down the aisle, only the week before.  Chrissy had her wedding on a beautiful Sunday, days after a hurricane, and Mary was proudly showing one of our other original neighbors pictures on her phone on Monday.  Only then would she allow her body to shut down.  We praise God for that timing, that Mary and her daughter could have that wedding.  I told her I was going to be looking at those pictures, and I’m pretty sure that she understood.

I’m in shock.  I miss her so much.

Perspective

Weeds or Wishes?

Every definition of the word "perspective" means "to look" in some way.  In the visual arts, this might mean creating an illusion, so that what is seen is somehow different than what is.  In our interactions with other people, it means realizing that you are looking at something based on your own situation and background, whereas someone else has a different group of people they are looking out for and different experiences to draw from. As parents, it is absolutely our responsibility to advocate for what we feel is best for our kid.  No doubt.  However, it is also important to teach them how to consider other points of view and to consider other points of view ourselves.  Truth is not always cut and dry.  It is clouded by the eyes of those who see it.  It is viewed through the lens of experiences and personality.

What is your viewpoint?

  

   In my world….

  …a marching show looks completely different from the top of a stadium vs. closer to the field.

  …men and women, guys and girls have different ways of communicating and interacting.

…parents have children with different needs at different stages of life.

…some people gain energy by being around other people;  others need time to themselves to recharge.

Seeing with perspective doesn’t always change the way we ultimately believe a situation should play out, and there are times that we will have to fight hard for what we think is right. But, compassion goes a long way.  Having feelings validated allows people to connect and communicate.  It takes away the “fight or flight” in the situation.  It listens.  

 

I Corinthians 13:8-13

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.